month 6

Ryder-

You are following right in Quincy's footsteps with your ear infections. This month you had another one. I knew right away when you were up all night and took you to the doctore before it got too bad. I hope you don't continue to have them, but I won't be surprised if you do.

You keep growing like crazy! At your 6 month appointment you weighed in at 17lbs 4oz putting you in the 44th % for weight and 27.5in, putting you in the 83rd % for height. How did we get such a big boy! You are wearing 6-9 month clothes and your foot is already a size 2. You are bald and chunky and we love it.

You hit two big milestones this month. You learned how to roll from back to front and sit up. I can no longer leave you in a room by yourself because you will roll all over. If you see something you want you can usually get to it, and anything you can grab along the way you put in your mouth. We have to watch you a lot closer now. You can also sit by yourself. It is so nice to be able to sit you up without having to prop you on something. You love it.

I couldn't wait until the 6 month mark to feed you, I was too excited. I started feeding you pureed food a few weeks ago. I love this phase. I feel like I am pushing you to grow up fast, but I love the toddler stage so much more than the baby stage. I can't wait for you to get there. So far you have tried rice cereal, oatmeal, pears and potatoes. You have loved all of these. I have to cut you off because you will eat and eat. I hope you like everything like your sister did. She was a great eater and it was fun to feed her because she would try almost everything.

As you are growing and we see more of your personality it's been fun to see the difference and similarities between you and Quincy. She is all we know so we compare everything to her. You are much bigger than her; big hands, big feet, big head. So boyish. Q was so petite. It's very different to have a boy after a girl. You are loud and rough. You hit and scratch and your voice is low and raspy. You are sweet and thoughtful like your sister though. You keep me in your sights and when we make eye contact you almost always smile. You look me in the eye and I know that you and I are going to have something very special. You have stolen a huge chunk of my heart. My thoughts are becoming more consumed with you and that is a good thing.

Ryder, you are my world. You are such a good little boy. You keep me going. You keep me smiling. You keep mine and daddy's world moving forward. I don't know where we would be without you. You came at just the right time, we needed you more than you will even know.

Love you lots.

lifelong broken heart

We don't want to say goodbye we don't want to feel that empty
But it's time to face the dawn head on
When there's something in the wind when the days go getting shorter
And the nights run cold and clear down here

We'll take each new day to give what we need to do our part
While were learning how to live with a lifelong broken heart

And we never will forget it's a privilege to remember
The sound of days gone past will last
We can see you in the stars come some vivid night in November
With the last few leaves that fall recall

Surely each new day will give what we need to do our part
To keep learning how to live with a lifelong broken heart

Oh you beautiful one so clearly a gift life had designs of its own
To set you adrift

So go lightly where you must travel soft upon new wings
You will never be alone go on
When we cannot understand when we cannot find new meaning
We'll seek out the ones you loved and love

Taking each new day to give what we need to do our part
To keep learning how to live with a lifelong broken heart
Were just learning how to live with a lifelong broken heart

-Rodney Crowell

Miss you doll

dirty white sock

I can't believe we are coming up on one year since we lost Quincy, Val and Kathy. It is so unreal that we have lived this long without them. When I think back to the last year of my life, I feel like it never happened. I feel like I have been checked out for the last 10 months. 10 months today. Did all of that really happen? Did we really bury a child and two parents? No, Quincy is at daycare. Val and Kathy are at home.

I wish.

I was having an especially hard day last week. It was Thursday so I was home with Ryder. He was a doll that day, but everything else was making me sad. Ryder has gotten so cute and happy and I am really starting to enjoy him. He is becoming more childish and not so babyish and I am reminded of the things I love and miss about Quincy. I was in Ryder's room folding clothes and cleaning up, a room I am in daily and I kept noticing Qs' things. I see these things every day, but that day they were standing out, triggering so many memories and emotions. In that sweet little boys room we have a lot things that were Quincy's; her toys, her rocking horse, her lamp, her crib, her photos and shadowbox, things that are now to be owned and used by her brother. This is bittersweet for me. I want Quincy to play with those toys and rock on that horse.

It was the box of puzzles in the closet that hit me the hardest that day. Anyone that knew Quincy knows how much she loved puzzles. We played puzzles every day. I stared at that red box for a long long time, writhing inside. My heart ached. When I get in these moments where I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, when I am so consumed by sadness, I have to push the sad thoughts out of my head. I have to shift my focus, otherwise I am crippled by sorrow and it's impossible to function. I moved on with my chores, trying to shift. I was changing Ryder's bed sheet and my mind became consumed again with Quincy as I was daydreaming about her in that crib such a very short time ago. (which seems like an eternity) As I was tucking and tightening the sheet I felt something. A little lump. I put my hand up in the sheet and pulled out a dingy dirty little sock. Quincy's sock. How did it get there? A week after the funeral I pulled her bed apart and washed everything. I have washed Ryder's sheets multiple times. How did that little sock get there??? My entire body was burning. The feeling in that room was so overwhelming. I have never been so grateful for a dirty sock. I broke down. I sobbed for my darling little Quincy. I cried for a long time, harder than I have let myself in a while.

10 months later, my mind is still constantly reeling, trying to process, trying to make sense of everything that has happened. I want to understand. I want to see the bigger picture. I want to know why God let Quincy die, why He didn't save her when I know He could have. I want to know more. I want to feel at peace. I want my mind to rest, to be content and to feel confident in what I know and believe.

The more I question and the more I wonder, the more confused and frustrated I get. Then I get a sweet little reminder of the life that I once shared with a feisty 20 month old darling I named Quincy, and I feel peace. I feel a burning in my heart and my eyes swell. I don't need to wonder. I don't need to understand. I will never, in this life, know the details. I know that she is alive. I can feel her. I know that I will see her again. And that, for now, is enough.

month 5

Ryder-

Month five has been my favorite so far. Your ear infections and RSV have healed and you have become quite the guy. You are such a different baby when you are not sick. You are much more pleasant and I have really enjoyed you.

You are very observant and are starting to notice everything around you. You are getting kind of hard to feed. You twist and squirm and want to see everything that is going on. You have also started to reach your hands out for me to pick you up and I love that.

You are such a big baby! You are now about 16 lbs and starting to bust out of your 3-6 month clothes, you are wearing some 6-9 month. I was reading my blog and Quincy was 16 lbs at 9 months and was just getting into 6 month clothes! She was so tiny and you are so big!! You are getting really heavy to carry around in your carseat carrier so the other day I took you out of it and just carried you through the store. You were so content to look around at everything as you twirled your fingers through my hair. I loved it so much. That is my favorite thing you do.

You have started laughing so much now. If you are grumpy, most the time if I start laughing I can get you to laugh, or at least smile. You are really happy most the time and I love that. You have started playing with toys a lot this month and really love the ones that rattle. You shake them vigorously, often times hitting yourself in the face. You don't care, you keep shaking. You always have to have something in your mouth and you have been drooling like crazy. I wouldn't be surprised if a tooth showed up sometime soon.

Although you fight falling to sleep, I can continue to brag that you are a good sleeper. Not such a good napper (you like to cat nap), but great through the night. You are usually ready for bed by 8:30 and will sleep until about 7 the next morning with one bottle in there somewhere. I could probably let you cry and do away with that night bottle but I haven't. You are a big boy, I'm sure you are hungry. I can't wait to start feeding you baby food next month. You have started to pay a lot more attention to what we are eating and try to grab for it. I think you will love food.

You are quite the boy. You fart. You burp. You drool. You growl. You have stinky feet and dirty fingernails. You love baths. You love binkies. You love getting your diaper changed. You love your softie. You love being held. You love your feet. You love to play and cuddle. And you already love the Iphone.

I've been told that little boys are good for mamas and I'm starting to believe it. You have held my heart this month Ryder. There have been countless times your sweet smile has stopped my tears. You look me in the eyes and I know that you know what has happened. You know how fragile I am. You are patient and gentle. I know that we are going to be buds and I am so happy that you are a part of our family. We are getting really used to having you around and can now not imagine our lives without you. You have brought joy and laughter back into our home. You continue to save us.

Love you lots.

the blue jeep

Brady always wanted a jeep. He talked about it for years and years and in March of 2011 he finally got his "blue Jeep". For a year Brady and Jake rebuilt the blue jeep to get it "Moab ready". Don't even ask me everything they did because I have no idea, but it was torn apart for a long time and once it was put back together it looked pretty much the same. To me. If you ask Brady it was a whole new machine.

The blue jeep is always the automobile of choice in the summer months, and sometimes the colder months too. We love the blue jeep. And as you can tell I can't just call it the jeep, it's the blue jeep. One of our favorite things about the jeep was taking Quincy on rides. She started out at just a few months old and she LOVED it. She would giggle and rock back and forth in her car seat when we went over bumps. Every morning when I took her to daycare she would ask to ride in daddy's blue jeep. Brady used to pick her up from daycare in it and since it was just around the corner, he would strap her in the front seat next to him. She thought she was so cool. 

The weekend of the accident we took the blue jeep to Moab. We were so excited to try out everything Brady had done to it and at first it was a lot of fun. For about the first 5 hours. After that, it was scary. I am a bit of a nervous nelly and was trying to be so brave as we climbed up rocks and down rocks. On the first afternoon, just after lunch, Brady rolled the jeep. It was kind of a freak accident as he was going down into the small Devils' Bath on the Hell's Revenge trail, his front tire folded and he rolled. I was out in the bushes squatting :0) and I heard a terrifying crunching sound, followed by a frantic, Angie! Holy cow my heart dropped as I looked up and didn't see the blue jeep in the lineup. I ran to the hole and saw it upside down, crushed. I knew Brady was dead. I just knew it. I was panicked. I ran down that hill as fast as I could and thank the Lord, Brady climbed out. He was fine. I was so thankful.

A little duct tape, some wires, oil and other things (I don't know anything about cars) and the jeep ran like a champ. Looked ugly, but ran great. We drove the blue jeep the rest of the trip.  

And I thought that was the worst part of the weekend..... 

As everyone knows, the worst part of the weekend was not totaling the jeep. As our world collapsed, the jeep was quickly forgotten. It wasn't until after the funeral we thought that we better call and make a claim and figure out where the jeep was. We hadn't even seen it since we were on our way home. Little did we know, the jeep was not forgotten by our wonderful friends.

It was a sad day. A day I couldn't stop crying. A day I stayed in bed. I didn't answer my phone. Or the door. My sister in law came over, let herself in and made me leave the house. She insisted after many refusals that I needed to go for a drive. She pretty much forced me. Brady was working on a job and we went and got him too. She took us up to the Coleman's shop and there were all our friends waiting for us, and the blue jeep. The new blue jeep. I can't even explain the emotion. The shock. The gratitude. The tears began to fall again, this time for joy. Brady was beside himself. It did my heart good to see the smile on his face. A smile I hadn't seen for weeks. Over the time we were buried in grief, our amazing friends were rebuilding the blue jeep. They were working early in the morning before work and late into the night after work. We had no clue.

It's pretty incredible what wonderful friendship can do for broken hearts. I can't even begin to express my gratitude to everyone that was involved in rebuilding the jeep. It was a saving grace when we felt like there was nothing to live for, when our whole entire world seemed to have ended. And it wasn't just because we had an awesome jeep, it was the feeling in the shop that night as we walked in and saw all the love and concern in every ones eyes. It was the incredible feeling of gratitude that they cared about us so much that they would do something so thoughtful and so meaningful.

As part of the restoration, everyone who was with us in Moab put a metal "In memory of Q" plaque on the side of their jeep. It's so heartbreaking our little jeeping buddy can longer ride with us, but she will always be a part of the blue jeep. We love it even more. But the best thing about the jeep, is what it now represents. It represents the life of a little girl who stole every ones hearts. It represents sorrow and sacrifice. It represents friendship. It represents love. It represents a weekend to never be forgotten.

month 4

Ryder-

There are so many ways that I prayed for you to be just like your sister, but ear infections isn't one of them. Just like Q, you ended your first cold with an ear infection. You have had a double ear infection for the entire month of January. On top of that, you had pink eye and mild case of RSV. You have been one sad, sick little boy.

There isn't much this past month besides sickness to talk about. You haven't been sleeping well, you haven't been eating well. I feel so bad for you. (I kind of feel bad for me too. Sick baby not sleeping = sick mommy not sleeping) Overall you have been pretty pleasant, but you have definitely been more grumpy and whiny than usual. I am ready for you to feel better and be happy again. I feel like I was just starting to get to know you. A lot of people are saying that you are starting to look more like Q. I see it too. And as you are getting more active, some of your mannerisms remind me of her. It's hard, but I love it.

Even though you have been sick and not eating as well you have continued to grow like crazy. At your four month appointment you weighed 14lbs 13oz and were 25.5in. You are in the 31st% for weight and 59th% for height. Your head is HUGE. It is in the 99th%. Big head, big eyes. You are just a big big baby boy. You are already filling out the 3-6 months clothes. The doctor said you can tell the size of the puppy by his paws, right after he told me how big your feet are. I just can't imagine us having a big kid, I tend to think it will all even out somewhere, but we'll see. Maybe we will get to watch you play football instead of wrestle.

You have started to roll around a little and aren't quite as immobile. You are very aware of everything around you and are always craning your neck to see what's going on. You keep your eye on me a lot. If someone else is holding you, you are almost always staring at me. One day you will protect me. When I hold you up on my shoulder you play with my hair. Quincy did the same thing. I love it more than anything. You drool like crazy and almost always have your hands in your mouth. You have also started to grab blankets, toys, clothes, anything you can grab, and that all goes in your mouth as well. I'm starting to wonder if you are getting teeth. I hope so. I love the toothy grin.

You are continuing to be our joy Ryder. You give us reason to get up in the morning. You give us new meaning in our broken world. You are consistently winning our love and affection and we are growing more and more in love with you. You are our world little boy. 

Love you lots.

reflections

It's been eight months. Eight long months since we lost Quincy. Eight months of a new life. Eight months of sorrow. Eight months of change. Eight months of growth.

As I reflect on the past eight months, it's so hard for me to grasp that the world around me has continued to move forward so easily. Each day continues just as it did before. I felt like when Q died the world around me should have stopped just like my world did. But it didn't. Everyone keeps working and playing and going about their daily things as if nothing has happened. Sometimes it makes me angry. How can this world continue without these three people in it? It just doesn't seem possible.

The day that marked eight months I was sitting in the ER with Ryder getting breathing treatments for RSV. It didn't hit me that it was the 6th until I was standing a few feet away from the very spot I stood that awful day, in that Emergency Room hall, where I called my dad, giving him the devastating news of the accident. My body was weak, my mind was spinning. I was in shock. And just a few feet away was my darling baby girl being prepped for life flight and my dear mother-in-laws lifeless body. I was checking in for Ryder as I stared at that spot for quite a while and relived those minutes. It seemed like just yesterday. The shock and fear came to me so easily. Way too easily. I hate Emergency Rooms.

I have thought so much about how our life has changed. My thoughts and emotions are a roller coaster and I think if anyone could see inside my head they would think I was a crazy person. I am continuously going from being ok to not being ok. I am constantly shifting between feeling bad for myself to feeling kind of special, from being totally devastated to being happy and joyful and feeling overly blessed. I am all over the place, all the time. I'm a mess.

We often refer to our life as before Q died and after. I hate that there is a before and after. Things have changed so much since she left this earth. It really seems like a different lifetime that she was here and we lived in that happy little Center Street house with out daughter. We now live in Brady's parents peaceful home with our son. It's so very different. Everything is different.

I used to live by the motto, It's only as big a deal as you make it. I have never liked holding grudges or making big deals of things. I have tried to live carefree and let things go in one ear and out the other and not let situations that are out of my control irritate me. I have worked really hard on this especially since I have been married. I have not been living this so well the last eight months and it's really bothered me. Losing Q is a big deal. It doesn't matter what I do or tell myself, it's a big deal. I feel empty and discontent. I never feel completely at ease. I don't like it.

I am constantly looking for anything to make me feel better about my new life, the life I call "after". There is nothing I can do to change the way things are and when I look at my life, minus that fact that Q is not here anymore, I am so incredibly blessed. I have wonderful supportive family and friends, a wonderful job, a wonderful husband and a beautiful baby boy. I am so blessed. I have never had to try so hard to convince myself of this. One of the things that has helped me most is to read the words of other mothers who have lost a child. As I read these words, I am strengthened so much. There are so many strong women out there that are teaching me how to find peace and joy in the rest of my journey. Yesterday I read from a mothers Facebook page something that has been replaying in my mind all day. I love it.

She said:

"The thought that has sustained me through the loss of my precious Carson is this;

'If God our Father in Heaven had come and visited me personally and told me that He could keep Carson safe for me,

He could guarantee Carson Celestial Glory, He would promise me that Carson would  never feel the pull of the adversary. If He promised me that Carson would be happy and well;

would I, his loving mother let him go until the time He sees fit to bring us back together?'

Every single time I ask myself this question, my answer is, "Yes, Father you may take my son.'

How could I wish to deny Carson the perfection that he has been granted?

I like to think that my Heavenly Father gave me this choice before we came to live on this earth

and I willingly accepted. This gives me hope and the strength to survive this trial. I do believe there is a plan.

I like to think that if any mother was given this choice, she would choose for her child to be saved. As a parent, the thing we want most is for our children to be happy and successful. This world is evil and I dread the thought of having to watch my children deal with temptations and trials. This is when I tell myself that I am lucky. My doll is safe. She will never be tempted. I will never have to see her struggle or fail.

I don't want to say that I am thankful for this trial, because I am not. It is hard. My life has changed in ways I never wished or imagined. I look back at who I was eight months ago and I am so very different. I will never be the same. I hate that I now know the true meaning of pain. I hate that I am so terribly afraid of death. I hate that I never feel complete. I hate that I can read a story about a child dying and relate. I hate that I talk about my sweet Quincy in the past, that she is just a memory. I hate that I am so emotional all the time and that I am constantly living in a daydream of what it "should" be like. But even though there is so much that I hate about this trial, I am thankful for what I have learned and how much I have grown. I am more humble. I am more thoughtful. I am more understanding. I am more genuine. I am more grateful. I am more spiritual. I am a better me.

As we raise our children we are supposed to teach them about this life, but Q came and taught me more than I could learn any other way. She was only on this earth for a short time, but left us with a lifetime of understanding. I've said this many times and I'll say it again, Quincy was the light of our life. She was wonderful, she was adorable, she was a miracle, she was everything. She was and continues to be our biggest blessing.