Sunday, July 29, 2012

i miss you


I wish I was writing this letter to update your achievements and milestones but I am writing this because all I can think about is how much I miss you. It's been almost 3 months since you have been gone and I would love to write something happy and exciting, or say that everything is wonderful, but oh Quincy darling, it's not. I miss you so much. I don't even think the word miss comes close to explaining how I feel. I long for you. I yearn for you. I ache for you. I think about you every minute of every day. What you would be doing if you were here. What would we be having for dinner. What would you be wearing.

I miss so many things about you Quincy. I miss every single thing about you. I miss your chubby dirty little hands. I miss wiping figerprints of off everything. I miss them touching my face and playing with my hair. I miss holding them while helping you with everything. Those little hands were the only thing in the hospital and the casket that still looked the same. I love that we got a mold of your hand and foot. I miss your tiny feet. You were barely in a size 4 and I loved buying those tiny shoes for you. I miss the way that every time I told you to get your shoes you picked the pink squeeky cowboy boots. You loved those boots so much.
I miss the messes you would make and having to clean them up. I miss sweeping the floor around your chair. I miss feeding you "logurt" and "ceweal" for breakfast. I miss eating cold food because I was feeding you. I miss you "helping" me load the dish washer by closing and opening the door between each dish. And helping me wash dishes in the sink by playing with bubbles and acting like you hated them on your hands then asking for more.
I miss bathing you. I miss seeing that little head bobbing just about the rim of the tub. I miss the way you would put your whole body strength into opening the bottom drawer and almost falling over every time you opened it, and then putting every single bath toy you had in the tub one by one. I miss your cute little bare bum and the way you would waddle to the trash can to put your diaper in the garbage. You would always stall before dropping it in and look deep in the can. Then you would run around and find dad and make sure he knew you were "naken" before you got in the tub. Oh I miss that little body. I miss cuddling after you get out of the bath. We never missed a cuddle. I miss lotioning you, clipping your nails, cleaning your ears, combing your hair, brushing your teeth. I so badly miss the clean smell of you after a bath. I even miss the dirty smell of you before your bath.
I miss having your seat and your crumbs in my car and a diaper in my purse. I miss, when scheduling anything, planning around your nap time and lunch time. My whole life revolved around you and I loved it. I miss buying you things. Every store I went to I always had my eye out for something that I thought you might like. I still find myself looking for little things for you. Every time I walk past the $.97 treat bin at Wal Mart I think of you. You always picked a treat to share with dad and talked about it all the way home from the store. I miss talking to you. We rarely listened to the radio in the car because we would talk back and forth. I would ask you about your day and Carrie's and you would tell me you played and ate a "mamich". We would sing songs and recite the ABC's and counting to 10 in English and Spanish over and over. I miss your little voice so much. Most of all I miss your little voice calling me Mommy.
I miss reading you books and rocking you to bed. I miss your little voice coming from your room jabbering about who knows what, sometimes asking for a candy or a drink. I miss it in the morning when you call for me or daddy to come get you. I miss getting you out of bed and waiting while you gathered all your stuff, your blankie, your softie, your pillow pet and your doggie. You always had to have your hands full. I miss cuddling in bed and watching Bubble Guppies. I can't even go past that channel on the TV anymore without crying. I was getting so sick of Bubble Guppies. I think I had every episode memorized, but Quincy I would do anything to sit and watch it with you agian. I would watch it all day if it meant you were here with me.
I could go on and on and on about every tiny little detail that I miss about you darling. I honestly genuinely miss every tiny thing about you. I just cant say enough how much I miss you. I feel like a day will never go by that I won't think about you and just how much I love you and wish you were here with me. I am counting the unknown number of days until I get to see you again and until then I will miss you every single minute.

Love you lots.