Tuesday, December 17, 2013


Maybe it’s the time of year, maybe it’s just life, but I have been feeling an extra amount of sadness the last few months.
I miss Quincy.
Today I read this post. She nailed it.
I have heard people talk about their emotions being like a roller coaster and now I get that. I truly get it. There are times I feel like everything is so wonderful and couldn’t be better. I am so blessed. I have a beautiful home, an adorable son, a wonderful husband, a great job and amazing friends and family.  Yet there are times I feel I can no longer go on. I feel like my whole world is ruined because Q is no longer here with me. I think about the day of the accident and the chain of events that day and the day following and I cannot even believe that we survived. It’s horrifying. I can relate so well to the gut wrenching feeling that Ashley talks about in her post. One second I am fine, going about my normal tasks and than instantly I am crippled with despair. It is so real and so extremely painful.
Grief has changed me. I no longer feel like me. I look at pictures from before the accident and I look so happy. So carefree. So innocent. I so badly wish I could go back to that time. I feel like a different person now. I am a different person now. I am quick to get angry. I get jealous. I have less patience. I hurt all the time. I have lost ambition for anything more than the daily tasks I must do to get through the day. I am not confident and I am scared. I am scared to love as deeply as I loved Quincy because I am terrified of the pain of death. I hate these changes. I have always felt pretty secure and confident and I have lost that. I am truly and honestly scared.
There is so much about grief and this whole process that I have no clue about. I try so hard to be strong and take this thing by the horns and not let it overtake me, but there are days I just don’t have the strength. 

Friday, December 13, 2013

until now

This is hard for me to say, but I have struggled bonding with my sweet little Ryder. As soon as I had Quincy I was obsessed with her. I can’t say that about Ryder and it makes me so sad. It has been a process. No one tells you what it’s like to have children after you have lost one. And everyone is different. I have friends who are obsessed with their babies born after child loss, but I have not been. I hate it. It’s so difficult to look at your sweet innocent child and long for another.

Ryder is so different than Quincy in so many ways. My heart aches so badly for her and I have let that get in the way of bonding with Ryder. I am hurting and I am so afraid to love that intesely again. I’m so scared to let my wall down. To love unconditionally. It has bothered me so much that I haven’t been able to find that connection with my own son.

Until now. The last couple week I have become obsessed. I cannot wait to get home from work to hug and cuddle my buddy. I cannot wait to get up in the morning and hear his little squeal. I love to dress him, change him, bath him and take him everywhere, show him off. It feels so wonderful to feel these things once again. I have been waiting so long to feel this connection. The connection a mother and a child should have.

I need it. He needs it.