Wednesday, May 7, 2014

2 years closer


Here we are at the two year mark. Two years since you left this home on earth and joined your family in heaven. Two years little Q, how have we ever made it this long without you? The time has flown by, while at the same time it seems like a lifetime since I held you in my arms. When I look back it seems as if you were just here, but also as if you never were.

I can't help but think back to this day two years ago. I replay it over and over in my mind. I so clearly remember holding you in my arms for those very last minutes as you peacefully slipped away, your daddy and I kissing you and whispering I love you, over and over and over again. I will never never forget the feeling I felt as your spirit left your body. It was very evident to me when you left. Your lifeless body in my arms, your spirit moving into my heart. There's been many times I have held your brother and rocked him as he fell asleep and been reminded of that sacred moment that we shared. I will never forget.

As spring is coming on and the birds are chirping and the flowers are blossoming my mind is constantly drifting to May 07, 2012. It's amazing to me how much our senses are tied to our emotions. I almost can't stand the smell of flowers anymore or the birds chirping because they take me back to those days where I stayed at home, in bed, in a house full of flowers, completely consumed with grief. We were showered with so much love and kindness during those very fragile days.

I cannot see a blossomed tree and not think about that night we came home from the hospital. To come home and leave you there was the hardest part of all of this. The heaviness was lifted for just a brief moment as we pulled up to our house. The tree outside your window had blossomed and dear friends had decorated it with pink ribbons. The lawn had been freshly mowed. Pink luminaries on the steps. It was perfect. The peace was overwhelming. Every pink blossoming tree will forever take me back to that night.
There's so much I remember about those last two days we spent with you Quincy. And it's often hard to think of anything else but those horrible days. But more than anything I remember the overwhelming peace and comfort your daddy and I felt as we let you go, planned your funeral, picked out your dress and buried you, our baby girl. It is very clear that the strength was not only our own. I have had many weak moments since that time, but have felt strong and carried on when I wanted to give up. Not on my own.

Quincy, so much has changed since you left. I have struggled greatly without you here. I have had many opportunities to search deep into what I believe and who I am and who I want to be. Because of you I am a stronger me. I may not be to where I want yet, but am constantly learning and growing as I journey through this thing called grief with you, my angel, by my side.

We love you Quincy. We miss you. We long to hold you and hear you and kiss you and hug you and smell you. We cannot wait for the day we see you again. I know we will see you again.

Two years closer darling.