Sunday, April 20, 2014

i know

This weekend has been rough. Amongst being able to spoil cute little Ryder I have really struggled to stay positive. Easter weekend was always spent with the Draper family in Wallsburg eating tasty BBQ, raking fields, riding horses, shooting guns, riding ATVs, etc. It was one of the first times I met Brady's family and was something I looked forward to every year. Without Val and Kathy here, things have changed and this year more than ever, I miss it. I miss the way things used to be. I miss Sunday dinners with Val and Kathy. I miss everything.

I have thought a lot about Quincy and Val and Kathy this weekend. My mind has been consumed with memories of how things used to be and how I want them still to be. As I mentioned, this weekend was one that was usually spent with them. And two years ago, Easter weekend was one of the last family gatherings before the accident. That weekend is ingrained so deeply in my mind. Wallsburg. Easter eggs. Quincy. Quincy.

To say that I miss Quincy does not even begin to touch how desperately I long for her.

I have thought so deeply about so many things since Quincy left. The phrase "everything happens for a reason" and "it was her time to go". The way everything happened. The timing. The events surrounding the accident. I have tried to make sense of her dying, not only her, but Val and Kathy as well. Three at once. Really? I've dug deep, deep into what I have been taught my whole life and what I know about life and afterlife and agency and obedience. I have struggled so very much with myself and who I am and what it is that I truly believe. I think that in all the thinking and reasoning I have been trying to talk myself into being ok with what has happened.

I'm not.

And when I realize that I am not ok with it and nor will I ever, than I guess I'm ok. No one is expected to be ok with their child dying. It's just not ok. But what is ok about it all, is that I know that I will see her, and Val and Kathy again someday. And I know this because even as I sit her and type I am overwhelmed with warmth and comfort and emotion. When I bear testimony to myself of the things that I have been taught about life after death, about heaven, about children in a perfect state of being, about earth life being just a short time, about angels living among us, I know it is true. I know it is. 

I am so humbled and grateful for the plan of salvation. For this life and for the next. For knowledge and understanding. Now more than ever, I am grateful for family, for love and unending support. For faith and obedience.

"Jesus said to her, I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die." John 11:25-26