Wednesday, September 2, 2015

to write

I haven't been writing on my blog for quite a while. And to be honest I have missed it. There is so much to say and so much I want to write.

I have had a bit of a writers cramp the last, well I guess it's been about a year now. I had someone tell me that I should not write the things I write on my blog, that it is sad and depressing and that it is not good for me. I have thought a lot about this and to be honest, have had a really hard time expressing myself since. I have started multiple posts and deleted them because I could not get the words out the way I wanted them, worrying I would say the wrong thing. Some of my posts are sad. And deep.'s real. It's my life. It's me.

Grief is a heavy heavy burden to carry throughout life. Yes, time has helped me learn how to carry that grief and to hopefully do so gracefully, but it is always there and I always carry it. And I will as long as I am alive, because I love that little girl more than anything.

So here I am, back to the blog. I love to write. I need to write. I know there are some that do not understand why it helps so much to write down such personal and intimate feelings and those that don't like to read it. Well, then don't. For those that do understand, this blog is for you. It's a record of grief and joy. Of sadness and hope. Of life and learning. A journal of my journey here on this earth.

This is me.

two and a half

>>>I typed this back in March when Ryder was indeed two and a half.....never got it posted....figured I better get it up before his three year old post!


You are halfway to three! As I look back at your 24 month post I am amazed at how much you have grown up in just six months. You are big and tall and healthy. You have big feet, big hands and a big heart. You are are silly and happy and like to tease just like your dad. You are a big time mamma's boy and follow me around everywhere. You love to help me with anything I will let you do. I truly enjoy your company and try to involve you in most everything. You are a lover and a cuddler. You love to hug and kiss everyone. You have a sweet sweet heart.
You love to eat and are still a really good eater. Some of your favorite foods right now are macaroni and cheese with hot dogs, chicken nuggets, fries, corn, fruit of any kind and CHOCOLATE. You are obsessed with chocolate anything. You love going to the Dairy Keen and eating a corn dog and fries and root beer. Other than an occasional soda you will still not drink anything but water. Not even juice, punch, gatorade, crystal light, nothing with any kind of flavor. So weird for a little kid. But I am not complaining, less sugar I guess. The day will come you will love it I'm sure.
Not too long after your second birthday the potty training clicked! You are officially potty trained! You now come to me and tell me when you need to go or just take yourself. It's so nice. You can hold it for hours (sometimes too long while playing) and have every only had one accident during naps and night time. I am so proud of you. You seem so big in your cute little undies.

You love love love cars and tractors. You are almost always playing with a truck or car or motorcycle or anything with wheels. We took you to the Monster Jam this year and you absolutely LOVED it! You have been playing with monster trucks non stop since we went, ruffling the rug so it can have a jump. You are really starting to use your imagination and it is fun to watch you play. You talk in a high pitched squeaky voice when you are playing. It's cute.
You love to read stories at bedtime and still don't know that you can get out of your bed by yourself. It's awesome. When you wake up in the morning you just yell until we come get you. One day you will figure it out but for now we are okay with it. You still sleep well which we are very thankful for.

You got a balance bike last year for your birthday and didn't ride it much as we were on our way into winter but we recently got it out and you are awesome! You got that balance thing down so quick! You are such a boy. You love to ride that and your Power Wheels 4 Wheeler and already try to do tricks. Your dad is proud, I am nervous.
Ryder, you are the best. Every day I am more and more convinced what a miracle and blessing you are to our family. As you have grown and learned to talk and carry on conversations I have really enjoyed getting to know you. You are funny and witty and happy. You are a joy to me and dad and we have loved watching you grow and learn. You are smart and pick up on things so quickly. You impress me every day. How lucky we are to have you. You are teaching us so much about life and keeping us going day to day.

Love you lots.