Tuesday, May 7, 2013

One Year Closer


My mind is flooded with memories of this day one year ago. One year Q. One year ago your daddy and I were living our worst nightmare. I can still see it all so clearly in my mind. The drive up the canyon. The phone call. The scene of the accident. The hospitals. Life flight. I remember the smells and the feelings of despair and complete desperation. The pit in my stomach that I still get when I think about these things. One year ago we were forced to make the most difficult decision, to let your spirit free of your sweet little broken body. One year ago we were sitting in that small hospital room, crying, praying, asking, pleading for comfort and knowledge that we were making the right decision, that everything would be ok and that we would be able to survive this life without you. Our hearts broke that day Q.

So much has changed since that day one year ago. Your dad and I are sad. Every day is hard Q. Every single day. It is hard to live in this world without you. We miss you so badly. But people have been good to us and we are grateful. We have felt the love and support of all of those around us who loved you, love us, and loved Val and Kathy. There are many.

We have tried so hard to do our best to deal with the sorrow of losing the three of you. There are days the pain is too great and all we can do is cry. But I feel that as time goes on we are getting stronger and stronger. We are getting used to our life with a son and an angel. Although it is comforting to be feeling some kind of normalcy, I hate that we are getting used to not having you here. It breaks my heart that I can live each day without you and that I am ok. I am grateful for the strength I have been blessed with. I never thought it would be possible to carry on without you.

Much goodness has come of this tragedy. You would be amazed how many lives you touched in your short time here. Lives are changed because of you sweetheart. Especially mine. I am a different person. Although I do not like the sadness that I carry, I feel an overall strength. I look at life so differently now. I never imagined when I dropped you off at Amy's house that day I would never see you again. I realize how precious and fragile this life is and I try my best to not take any thing or any moment for granted. I live each day one day at a time because I am so uncertain what the next will bring.

Quincy, your brother is great. You would love him so much. I wish so badly I could see you interact with him. I constantly live in a daydream of what it would be like if you were here. I play scenarios over and over in my head, imagining how you would react and think about the things you would say. I know you were so excited for the baby in mommies tummy. He is very different than you in so many ways, but now and then we get a glimpse of you. We treasure those moments.

This trial has almost overcome me many times. It's hard. I am given lots of chances to prove to myself how strong I can be. I want to be strong Quincy. I want you to look down on me and be proud that I am your mommy. I want to greet you in heaven and be proud of the way I handled this life. I am clinging to the things that I have been taught, that you live and that I will see you again and that I will even get to raise you. I live for these things. This hope is what gets me through each day. I am thankful for hope.

You are still our world Quincy. You are everything to me and daddy. Although you are not here with us, our life still revolves around you. We love you as much today as we did each day we held you in our arms. We think about you in everything we do. We never stop thinking about you. You are our sweetheart, our doll, our silly little girl.

One year closer baby girl. We are one year closer to being with you again.

Love you lots.