Tuesday, May 7, 2013

One Year Closer


My mind is flooded with memories of this day one year ago. One year Q. One year ago your daddy and I were living our worst nightmare. I can still see it all so clearly in my mind. The drive up the canyon. The phone call. The scene of the accident. The hospitals. Life flight. I remember the smells and the feelings of despair and complete desperation. The pit in my stomach that I still get when I think about these things. One year ago we were forced to make the most difficult decision, to let your spirit free of your sweet little broken body. One year ago we were sitting in that small hospital room, crying, praying, asking, pleading for comfort and knowledge that we were making the right decision, that everything would be ok and that we would be able to survive this life without you. Our hearts broke that day Q.

So much has changed since that day one year ago. Your dad and I are sad. Every day is hard Q. Every single day. It is hard to live in this world without you. We miss you so badly. But people have been good to us and we are grateful. We have felt the love and support of all of those around us who loved you, love us, and loved Val and Kathy. There are many.

We have tried so hard to do our best to deal with the sorrow of losing the three of you. There are days the pain is too great and all we can do is cry. But I feel that as time goes on we are getting stronger and stronger. We are getting used to our life with a son and an angel. Although it is comforting to be feeling some kind of normalcy, I hate that we are getting used to not having you here. It breaks my heart that I can live each day without you and that I am ok. I am grateful for the strength I have been blessed with. I never thought it would be possible to carry on without you.

Much goodness has come of this tragedy. You would be amazed how many lives you touched in your short time here. Lives are changed because of you sweetheart. Especially mine. I am a different person. Although I do not like the sadness that I carry, I feel an overall strength. I look at life so differently now. I never imagined when I dropped you off at Amy's house that day I would never see you again. I realize how precious and fragile this life is and I try my best to not take any thing or any moment for granted. I live each day one day at a time because I am so uncertain what the next will bring.

Quincy, your brother is great. You would love him so much. I wish so badly I could see you interact with him. I constantly live in a daydream of what it would be like if you were here. I play scenarios over and over in my head, imagining how you would react and think about the things you would say. I know you were so excited for the baby in mommies tummy. He is very different than you in so many ways, but now and then we get a glimpse of you. We treasure those moments.

This trial has almost overcome me many times. It's hard. I am given lots of chances to prove to myself how strong I can be. I want to be strong Quincy. I want you to look down on me and be proud that I am your mommy. I want to greet you in heaven and be proud of the way I handled this life. I am clinging to the things that I have been taught, that you live and that I will see you again and that I will even get to raise you. I live for these things. This hope is what gets me through each day. I am thankful for hope.

You are still our world Quincy. You are everything to me and daddy. Although you are not here with us, our life still revolves around you. We love you as much today as we did each day we held you in our arms. We think about you in everything we do. We never stop thinking about you. You are our sweetheart, our doll, our silly little girl.

One year closer baby girl. We are one year closer to being with you again.

Love you lots.


Anonymous said...

So sweet. So sorry for your loss. She is truly a perfect angel. Sending love.

Amylee said...

I hate this. I hate this so much! I hate that you have to go through this. At the same time- I'm amazed at how this has affected so many people for the better. Quincy had such weight in this world, even as teeny as she was. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you or Quincy and remember how precious life is- how precious my sweet babies are. I have no doubt that Quincy and our Father in Heaven are so proud of you. You have helped so many people.

Praying for you all.

Anonymous said...

I have stumbled upon your blog and am so saddened to hear of this tradegy, I won't tell you its gods plan or that things could have been different if you had made different choices, maybe hasn't gone out that day, or had her rearfacing, that's all hindsight 20/20 and there's no such thing as what might have been, that's a wast of time, and will drive you out of your mind. What matters now is that you remember your sweet girl and do your best to honor her memory, do something just for her, whether it be a marathon, a project, donations yearly, whatever works for you. Make sure you include your son in these so he knows his big sister and you can create a legacy from this little girl, who you will see again one day. I'm so sorry this happened to you and its so unfair, its so so unfair. I'm thinking of you and your sweet girl as I lay with my 17 month old, and the tears come streaming out, I wish things were different and once again I'm so so so sorry.

Brittanee Thomas said...

You are so strong Angie and I know Quincy is so proud that YOU are her Momma!

brigette said...

I am so sorry for your losses. Your daughter is beautiful. These milestones are so hard. I'm praying for your beautiful family. Much love!!

Anonymous said...

I am a friend of a friends and you don't know me but hearing about Quincy has changed my life. My daughter is just about 10 days younger than Quincy. I appreciate my time with my children more since hearing about Quincy. Thank you Quincy.

Amanda Schroeder said...

These words made my heart cry. I'm praying for your family. Can't believe it's been one year, but like you put it, it's one year closer to you being with her again. Oh how grateful I am for the gospel.

Thank you for this post.

Andrae said...

So beautiful! It's as though you wrote everything in my heart as well. It's hard to say a year has gone by. I can't imagine, yet I can as we approach it ourselves. Your family is in our prayers and our hearts daily!

BrownsJourney said...

it seems like yesterday! my heart hurts for you and brady. Your in my thoughts. Your amazing!

Ryan.Kendra.Makenzie.Tracker said...

My heart just breaks for you. For this path you are on. Its sooo raw. Its fresh. I am so sorry you have to be apart of this group. I am 3.5 years into our journey. I cant believe how far I have come most days. Never would I have guessed I would be here. but there will forever be such a big part of my heart missing. I will be praying for you.

Ryan.Kendra.Makenzie.Tracker said...

My heart just breaks for you. For this path you are on. Its sooo raw. Its fresh. I am so sorry you have to be apart of this group. I am 3.5 years into our journey. I cant believe how far I have come most days. Never would I have guessed I would be here. but there will forever be such a big part of my heart missing. I will be praying for you.

Pranger's said...

I remember Spencer reading me the post from Facebook on the day Quicy passed and crying as I laid on the hospital bed about to get birth to our daughter. As we sat there in the hospital about to greet our daughter you were at another hospital saying good bye to yours'. I was so heart broken for you and felt like it wasn't fair for us to be experiencing so much joy while you were going through so much pain. You've been in my prayers and thoughts for most of this past year and will continue to be. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences for they have helped me to be a better mother and more grateful for those people in my life.

Miss Molly said...

This is exactly what I said to Peter one year after
Lucy's death. You are dealing with this with so much
Grace. I have been where you are and I know that all-consuming dread and pain. I have no doubt Quincy is so very proud of her mommy. You will make it. But I am so very sorry it has to be this way. I'm cheering you on. You are not alone. I send my love and support. God bless you forever.

ash said...

I've never met you...I went to high school with your husband (but didn't know him very well). I lost my daughter on May 7 this year.

Thank you for writing about your loss. Some days, I feel terribly lonely in my new world...but reading about your sweet Quincy has touched my heart today. And I'm hopeful that my Olive is doing something important today along with your daughter.

I'm sorry if its strange for me to comment...I just wanted to thank you. And tell you that your story has broken my heart, but brought me comfort too.