Monday, April 29, 2013

04/29/12

One year ago today I took this picture.
It was a Sunday, the day after our anniversary. On the 28th Brady and I went to the Supercross, like we do every year, then spent the night in SLC. My mom and dad kept Quincy overnight, it was her first time staying with them. My mom was so thrilled to be able to spend one on one time with her and spoiled her by buying her a new pink baby doll. I remember when I picked Q up my mom told me that there was something unique about her. Something special. She was so lively and smart and so advanced for her age. She said she was excited to see where she would go in life. I remember thinking about this all the way home. I had always thought Q was a special girl, but she was mine. Every mother thinks their child is the best.

I had so many dreams for her.

It wasn't 5 minutes on the road and Quincy was zonked out in her car seat. I took this picture to send to my mom. After I sent it to her I almost deleted it. Its not a great picture. Little did I know it would be one of my last, and because of that, one of my favorites. I treasure every picture I have of Q. I remember almost every minute behind every single picture.

As I think about this time last year I think about how perfect and simple my life was. I think about how content and naïve I was. I often think about what I was doing a year ago, about how different my life was and where I imagined it to be this time of year. I had no clue. Sometimes I wonder if I would have liked to have known that Q wouldn't be with us forever.

I don't think so.

As I think about this day a year ago and think about today, I am sad. I'm sad that after just a few more days I won't be able to say, last year at this time me and Quincy were doing..... But in the same breath, it will be good. Another step forward in the healing process. I miss the simpleness of my emotions. I don't like the heaviness and sorrow I now carry. It's always there. Always. I feel as though I will never be truly content again in this life. I have lots of joy, but I will never have the carefree ness that I once enjoyed. I miss that.

I miss Quincy.

5 comments:

JeNeal Brown said...

Aww. I love you so much you are so strong and you are doing it. Just Be. you dont have to worry about tomorrow. You made it through today and you loved. loved hard. You are amazing girl! xoxoxxo

Anonymous said...

My heart seriously hurts every time I read posts about your sweet baby girl. I don't believe I would be able to be as strong as you are if I lost my baby boy! I really admire your strength.

Anonymous said...

When you commented about if you'd rather have known whether your sweet girl was not going to be with your forever, you made me think of this beautiful Hymn.


I know not what awaits me,
God kindly veils my eyes,
And o’er each step of my onward way
He makes new scenes to rise;
And every joy He sends me comes
A sweet and glad surprise.

Where He may lead I’ll follow,
My trust in Him repose;
And every hour in perfect peace,
I’ll sing, “He knows, He knows“;
And every hour in perfect peace,
I’ll sing, “He knows, He knows.”

One step I see before me,
’Tis all I need to see,
The light of heaven more brightly shines
When earth’s illusions flee;
And sweetly through the silence comes,
His loving, “Trust in Me!”

Oh, blissful lack of wisdom,
’Tis blessed not to know;
He holds me with His own right hand,
And will not let me go,
And lulls my troubled soul to rest
In Him who loves me so.

So on I go not knowing;
I would not if I might;
I’d rather walk in the dark with God
Than go alone in the light;
I’d rather walk by faith with Him
Than go alone by sight.


To Get Pregnant said...

very niche and thank you sharing with us.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me. I work in Heber with people who know you and your husband. I knew about the accident and have followed read your blog since then. I just want you to know that there are people thinking about you and praying for you all the time, but especially on today on the anniversary of the accident. I hope you can continue to find the strength and faith to move forward in life. Thanks for sharing your thoughts in a way that helps others keep things in perspective. Sincerely, Melissa