Tuesday, December 17, 2013

strength

Maybe it’s the time of year, maybe it’s just life, but I have been feeling an extra amount of sadness the last few months.
I miss Quincy.
Today I read this post. She nailed it.
I have heard people talk about their emotions being like a roller coaster and now I get that. I truly get it. There are times I feel like everything is so wonderful and couldn’t be better. I am so blessed. I have a beautiful home, an adorable son, a wonderful husband, a great job and amazing friends and family.  Yet there are times I feel I can no longer go on. I feel like my whole world is ruined because Q is no longer here with me. I think about the day of the accident and the chain of events that day and the day following and I cannot even believe that we survived. It’s horrifying. I can relate so well to the gut wrenching feeling that Ashley talks about in her post. One second I am fine, going about my normal tasks and than instantly I am crippled with despair. It is so real and so extremely painful.
Grief has changed me. I no longer feel like me. I look at pictures from before the accident and I look so happy. So carefree. So innocent. I so badly wish I could go back to that time. I feel like a different person now. I am a different person now. I am quick to get angry. I get jealous. I have less patience. I hurt all the time. I have lost ambition for anything more than the daily tasks I must do to get through the day. I am not confident and I am scared. I am scared to love as deeply as I loved Quincy because I am terrified of the pain of death. I hate these changes. I have always felt pretty secure and confident and I have lost that. I am truly and honestly scared.
There is so much about grief and this whole process that I have no clue about. I try so hard to be strong and take this thing by the horns and not let it overtake me, but there are days I just don’t have the strength. 



5 comments:

Amanda Schroeder said...

I am so sorry. I will be sure to keep your family in my prayers! I'm sure it's not easy around the holiday season! I hope you know you're a HUGE inspiration to so many of those around you!

Andrae Kelly said...

All I can say is Amen sweet friend. I completely understand all that you just beautifully wrote! Thank you for sharing so that those trying to figure this thing out like me don't feel so crazy with this new life we are trying to understand.

Love you!
Andrae

Laci said...

Thank you for sharing. I don't know your pain, but I too am feeling the similar grief. My father was killed almost a year ago when he was at work (Frankiln County Road Department) and a thick fog crept over a railroad crossing. His dump truck and train collided. Even though I am 30 years old and have an amazing husband, I'd always been a daddy's girl. We saw each other every day. This season has been hard. Overwhelming with emotions at time. But it is so good to hear and know someone else understands a similar pain of loss. At the moment. Ithank you again, and it will keep your family in our prayers so you may be comforted during this time.

Alyssa said...

Just stumbled upon this blog, but I thought I would share what the Bible says about grief to be a help.

1Th 4:13 But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.
1Th 4:14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.
1Th 4:15 For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.
1Th 4:16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
1Th 4:17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
1Th 4:18 Wherefore comfort one another with these words.

Lorenne said...

I came across your blog on another angel mom blog. I'm so happy I did! I lost my 4-yr-old daughter as a result of an accident in February, 2012. I can relate so much to what you write. I feel so blessed on one hand, and so devastated on the other. It's discouraging when I feel like I'm a worse person as a result of her death—irritable, distant, less capable— instead of stronger, more refined, and compassionate! No one seems to feel it quite like the mom. Hopefully it's just a temporary part of grief. My blog is evansedition.blogspot.com. I'll keep you in my prayers!