Maybe it’s the time of year, maybe it’s just life, but I have been feeling an extra amount of sadness the last few months.
I miss Quincy.
Today I read this post. She nailed it.
I have heard people talk about their emotions being like a roller coaster and now I get that. I truly get it. There are times I feel like everything is so wonderful and couldn’t be better. I am so blessed. I have a beautiful home, an adorable son, a wonderful husband, a great job and amazing friends and family. Yet there are times I feel I can no longer go on. I feel like my whole world is ruined because Q is no longer here with me. I think about the day of the accident and the chain of events that day and the day following and I cannot even believe that we survived. It’s horrifying. I can relate so well to the gut wrenching feeling that Ashley talks about in her post. One second I am fine, going about my normal tasks and than instantly I am crippled with despair. It is so real and so extremely painful.
Grief has changed me. I no longer feel like me. I look at pictures from before the accident and I look so happy. So carefree. So innocent. I so badly wish I could go back to that time. I feel like a different person now. I am a different person now. I am quick to get angry. I get jealous. I have less patience. I hurt all the time. I have lost ambition for anything more than the daily tasks I must do to get through the day. I am not confident and I am scared. I am scared to love as deeply as I loved Quincy because I am terrified of the pain of death. I hate these changes. I have always felt pretty secure and confident and I have lost that. I am truly and honestly scared.
There is so much about grief and this whole process that I have no clue about. I try so hard to be strong and take this thing by the horns and not let it overtake me, but there are days I just don’t have the strength.