Yesterday was Memorial Day. We've never done much on Memorial Day except enjoy a day off work and BBQ with family. This Memorial Day was so very different for me. Truly a day to honor those who have passed, and for me to remember my dear in-laws and my beautiful baby girl. Yesterday was a good day. One of the better ones. I did a lot of thinking and I felt a little more at peace.
This past week has been the hardest one so far. People told me that it would be, that as everyone went back to their normal lives that I would struggle because my life would seem like it was over. And it does. I makes me upset that I can't wake up and smile. Every morning I have to remind myself that Quincy is gone and that I have to make it through just one more day without her. I know it's important to keep busy and I went back to work a few days but I didn't make it the whole week. I couldn't. I have cried and mourned and ached so intensly for my little Q. I never could have imagined so much pain. I have always thought of myself as a pretty strong person, but losing Quincy has really tested me. I have never felt so weak and vulnerable. I have had so many emotions of grief and sorrow mixed with feelings of gratitude for the overwhelming support of friends and family and the valley we live in. The community has been amazing and the love and prayers have been felt and appreciated. I know that is the only way I am able to keep going.
Today I made it through another day at work. I didn't cry all the way there and back. I felt kind of brave. I visited the cemetery once more at lunchtime and shed a few tears for her but have felt added strength as I continued to focus on how much I have already learned and how much I have grown these past few weeks.
I've been told that we pick our challenges when we chose to come to this earth. I'm sure it's not doctrine, just something someone imagined. I don't like to think that I signed up for this. I can't imagine going through anything worse on this earth than losing a child. I like to think that I signed up for this earthly test and agreed that I would trust the Lord that he would help me through whatever challenges came my way. I had no idea this would be one of my challenges. Nothing can prepare you for losing your child. I have always said, I would rather not have children than have one and lose them. I never wanted to hurt this bad. I never wanted to live with this pain. But yesterday as I thought about my darling little doll and not ever having her in our lives, my perspective changed. She was our little miracle from the start. We didn't know if we would be able to have children and when we did we felt so lucky, so blessed. And as I thought about her yesterday and the 20 months we had with her, I wouldn't have changed it for anything. She was the world to Brady and I and I feel like I am a better person and will be a better mother because I knew her. She taught me how to be a mom. She taught me how to put someone elses needs before my own. She taught me how to let go and be playful and carefree. She taught me how to be organized as well as how to be simple. She taught me how to work on someone elses schedule and go with the flow. And mostly she taught me how to love unconditionally. Now that she is gone I feel like she contiues to teach me. She is teaching me how to be strong. How to draw closer to Christ. How to serve Brady and love and appreciate him more. How to find peace amongst turmoil. How to trust and obey. She is still teaching me how to be a better person. I am so blessed to have had her and I will always be blessed to have known her.