A few days ago I had one of those days I've been warned about. One of those days where you can't stop picturing the accident and blaming yourself for somehow not stopping it. I went through every thought and scenario of what I should have done to have saved Quincy's life. Even though I know there was nothing I could have done, I felt like somehow, because I am her mother, I should have been able to protect her. I worried that she felt pain and that she was scared. Those thoughts make this tragedy so much harder. I knew that I shouldn't be thinking about that but didn't know how to stop. My mind was consumed. Then came a blessing. A member from the bishopric stopped in. He asked me how I was doing and what he could do for me. We had a wonderful talk and addressed some of my fears and concerns and then he and Brady gave me a blessing. A blessing from my Heavenly Father. Words I longed to hear were poured over my head and peace was given. Horrible thoughts faded and feelings of hope and reassurance filled my body. Concerns I hadn't addressed with the bishopric member were acknowledged, reassuring me that our Heavenly Father is aware of us. He knows what we are thinking and feeling. He loves us. He loves me and I felt that so strongly. I also know that my sweet daughter and father and mother-in-law love me and are aware of the pain and lonliness Brady and I are feeling. I know that heaven is on earth and that they are surrounding us and strengthening us.
I have been reading a lot of books and articles to help find peace and ease some pain and there was one I read from Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin called Come What May, and Love It. These words are so comforting to me and I have read them over and over.
"Learning to endure times of dissapointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others.
Because Jesus Christ suffered greatly, He understands our suffering. He understands our grief. We experience hard things so that we too may have increased compassion and understaning for others.
...The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.
One of the blessings of the gospel is the knowledge that when the curtain of death signals the end of our mortal lives, life will continue on the other side of the veil. There we will be given new opportunites. Not even death can take from us the eternal blessings promised by a loving Heavenly Father."
When I think about that sacred moment we shared with her, I can't help but think of how much we have grown since then. Elder Wirthlin said that these experiences stretch us and build us. At that moment in that hospital room we felt so helpless, so scared, so unsure. And although we still feel those things, there is such a greater feeling of peace and love and understanding in our home and our interactions with each other as we think about what we have been through and what are continuing to go through. I have always had a testimony of life after death, but now I cling to it. I can say with confidence that I know that Quincy is alive. I know that she is happy and healthy and strong. I know that she is with us, even though we cannot see and touch her. I know that she will take care of us and that she will watch over us. She is saving a place for our family in heaven and I want nothing more than to be with her again. I know I will and look forward to that day when my tears will be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.