Monday, August 27, 2012

birthday girl

Last week, Sunday the 19th, was Quincy's birthday. I have been dreading this day since Q passed because I knew it was going to be hard. And it was. We didn't want to pretend like it wasn't an important day, but really didn't know what we were supposed to do. There was nothing to celebrate. But it is still her day, and always will be.

We decided to do a family BBQ and then visit the cemetery in honor of her short, sweet life. At the cemetery we sent balloons up to heaven and put gifts at her "headstone". Everyone was so thoughtful bringing her things they knew she would love. Doggies, bubbles, babies and purses with love notes, flowers and pretty things. I'm sure she was there and I'm sure she was thrilled. I wish I could have seen her face.

I have to be honest, as positive as I try to be, I have really been struggling. Planning this get together was extremely heartbreaking. It brought back so many memories of last years BBQ in Wallsburg when Q turned 1. I made her a cake and bought her gifts and balloons. It was so much fun. Val and Kathy were there. Everyone was there. Q was the center of attention and she loved it. I was looking so forward to many more of these memories. And this birthday was far from what I ever imagined. There are quite a few little ones that have or are turning 2 these last few months and it breaks my heart to see them and hear about their parties. I so badly wanted to see Q turn 2, and 12 and 18 and 45.

I know that I will never get the experience on this earth to see her open gifts and blow out candles and play with balloons. I will never see her grow and mature. I will always wonder what she would have been like. I constantly notice little girls around me and try to imagine what Q would be doing if she were here. I wonder what she would look like as she grew older. Would she like her hair long or short? What would her favorite color be? What would she wear on her first day to kindergarten? Would she continue to love babies and girly things? Would she hunt with her daddy like he looked so forward to? I will never know these things.

But I do know something wonderful. I know she is a valiant daughter of God. I know she is ok and she lives. I know she is in heaven with our Savior. I know she is with her grandparents and her siblings. I know she will watch and make sure these little ones will make it here safely to this earth and give them pointers on how to make the best of this life. I know she is watching over Brady and I, helping us make it through each day. She came to this earth by much faith and many prayers. She was strong and she was bold. She was tender and caring. She was wonderful. She was ours and she changed mine and Brady's life forever. We are sad and we are lonely and we struggle every single day. We miss our little sweetheart more than we will ever be able to express.

Happy Birthday Quincy. Wish you were here to sing to us.  


The Staheli's said...

We thought about you guys all day that day! We wish we could have been there. I can't believe that Quincy's picture still looks that good on the rock! That was a perfect celebration of her sweet life. I picture her with short hair like you when she is older. That is how I always picture her. Love you guys!!

Heather Tolbert said...

Oh Angie. This is so bittersweet to read. Little Q will forever be in our hearts and her birthday is and will remain on all my calendars. Can't imagine the things she will be dying to tell you when you are reunited. Some days I'm sure you don't feel strong but you are. You're an amazing example to those around you. I can't wait to meet this special little guy and see that special twinkle in his eyes that he's been sent here for so many reasons. You guys are are loved much, don't forget that!