Ryder W

On September 18th, 2012 we welcomed our much anticipated baby boy, Ryder W, into this world. He came 2 weeks early, which I feel is a little bit of a blessing, not only because I was feeling gigantic and uncomfortable, but because my heart needed him.

I knew that Ryder was on his way Sunday night the 16th. I didn't feel well and went to bed early. I didn't sleep much and the next morning I still felt awful. I thought maybe if I went to work and got moving the pain might ease. It didn't. I called Brady and told him that the baby was coming. He was excited. He came home and showered and packed a bag. I wasn't quite as excited. I was nervous and emotional. Not nervous to have the baby, but nervous because I wasn't sure I would be able to juggling the conflicting emotions of joy of having a baby and sorrow of loved ones who aren't here.

I think any mother that has more than one child can admit that there's a little bit of worry that you aren't going to love your second child as much as you love your first. It doesn't seem possible to have that much love to give. Even though Quincy isn't here, she is still everything to me. I was so worried I would not be able to love this new baby as much as I love her. But I do. It's only been one week and I am already so in love with Ryder. It's amazing how much love a mother can have for her children individually. I never imagined I could love this much again. It feels good.

I thought that having Ryder would help me miss Quincy a little less, that he would fill that void in my heart of losing her. He doesn't. I miss her more. I love him dearly, but it's a new love that I have for him. The void for Q is still there more than ever. I have such an intense love for her and I have realized that it will never be healed. I will love all my children just as much as the last, but she will never be replaced, that void will always be there. Having a newborn brings back so many memories of everything I went through with Quincy. There is something so special about your first child as they teach you how to become a parent. I am reminded of so many precious little memories. I often sit and imagine what it would be like if Q were still here. She loved babies so much and I know she would have loved Ryder. I am constantly living in a daydream of a life I wish were still mine.

Ryder is a good boy. I want so badly to focus on him right now and how wonderful he is. I don't want to think back to his first weeks of life and only remember how sad I was. I want to feel the true joy that others feel when they have a newborn baby. I often feel that my joy is overshadowed by sorrow because I can't get past the fact that Q isn't here and that he is my only child when I should have two. I am trying really really hard not to dwell on this, but to focus on the fact that I am incredibly blessed to have another child who I truly adore. I know Ryder is supposed to be here in our family right now and I know he will help me heal. He doesn't fill the void of not having Q here, but my mother heart is healing every day. To have a little one to take care of again is wonderful. I am a mom which is the best feeling in the world. 

Ryder W Draper 09.18.2012 7 lbs 20 in 1:28 pm



Once again, we are blessed. Welcome to our world Ryder W Draper.

plans

I found this quote on Pinterest and I have thought about it so much. This is something that I have really been struggling with and dwelling on. As it gets closer to having the baby, I have been dwelling a lot on the fact that Quincy isn't here anymore. As a woman and a mother, you tend to have your whole life planned out years in advance. Not only planned, but envisioned. Before I even found out I was pregnant I had already imagined what it would be like to have two children and what Q would be like with a sibling. I envisioned her helping me change diapers and feeding the baby. I envisioned her teaching her brother or sister how to swing and how to color. I envisioned going to the grocery store with two kids and being outnumbered all the time. I envisioned chaos and bliss. I had it all planned out. I knew exactly how it was all going to be.

One of the hardest parts of all of this change has been letting go of that vision. I will never know what kind of a big sister Quincy will be. I will never get to see this little boy interact with her and learn from her. He will now be the oldest and I will watch him interact with his younger siblings, but as for Q, I have to let that go. As I see other families with multiple kids, especially the oldest a girl, I tend to still daydream what it would be like if Q were here. I'm envious of those families. I want my older daughter. I always had said that I wanted a boy first, but after having a girl I grew very fond of the idea of having a good helper for when the next baby came around. Quincy loved babies. She would have loved to be a big sister.

I tend to believe that things happen for a reason. I think that some things have to happen in order for other things to happen. I want so badly to believe that it was Quincy's time to go, along with Val and Kathy's. That their test was done and that for some reason they had to leave this earth so that unforeseen things could happen. I guess that's why this quote has hit me so strong. I do believe there is a plan for all of us. I believe that there is a life mapped out for us and things that are going to happen that we cannot plan for or envision. And when something "unplanned" happens we have to be willing to adapt or our whole lives will crumble. It's ok to crumble for a little bit, but we have to be able to pick up and move forward and let the life that is waiting for us happen. This accident has really changed my perspective. I no longer dare look so much to the future, but am really focused on what is going on right now, today. I don't want to miss out on anything. I don't want to have any regrets. I have spent so much time in sorrow. I long to feel joy and relish in my daily life. There is a lot of good around me and I truly do feel blessed.

In trying to move forward, I decided to put together a room for our little boy that will be here so soon. I thought that this might be somewhat healing. It's something that a mother usually looks forward to, but I have been putting it off for quite a while. I have decided to use as many of Quincy's things as I can because I love her things and I want to see him love them. Putting the room together was not very healing. It was hard. I cried most the time. I am so looking forward to having another little one in our home, but to pull out Q's things was heartbreaking. I think as a mother to pull out your first child's things they have outgrown is bittersweet anyway because they grow so fast and it's a time to reminisce, but the fact that she isn't here anymore is truly heartbreaking. I want her brother to use her blankets and play with her toys and hold her teddy bears, but I want her to be here to share them with him. It's hard. So hard.

I pray that in time the pain and heartache will ease. That joy will overcome sorrow. That I will be willing to let the life that is planned for me happen and enjoy every minute of it that I can, because we never know when something is going to change our plan.