Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Ryder W

On September 18th, 2012 we welcomed our much anticipated baby boy, Ryder W, into this world. He came 2 weeks early, which I feel is a little bit of a blessing, not only because I was feeling gigantic and uncomfortable, but because my heart needed him.

I knew that Ryder was on his way Sunday night the 16th. I didn't feel well and went to bed early. I didn't sleep much and the next morning I still felt awful. I thought maybe if I went to work and got moving the pain might ease. It didn't. I called Brady and told him that the baby was coming. He was excited. He came home and showered and packed a bag. I wasn't quite as excited. I was nervous and emotional. Not nervous to have the baby, but nervous because I wasn't sure I would be able to juggling the conflicting emotions of joy of having a baby and sorrow of loved ones who aren't here.
I think any mother that has more than one child can admit that there's a little bit of worry that you aren't going to love your second child as much as you love your first. It doesn't seem possible to have that much love to give. Even though Quincy isn't here, she is still everything to me. I was so worried I would not be able to love this new baby as much as I love her. But I do. It's only been one week and I am already so in love with Ryder. It's amazing how much love a mother can have for her children individually. I never imagined I could love this much again. It feels good.
I thought that having Ryder would help me miss Quincy a little less, that he would fill that void in my heart of losing her. He doesn't. I miss her more. I love him dearly, but it's a new love that I have for him. The void for Q is still there more than ever. I have such an intense love for her and I have realized that it will never be healed. I will love all my children just as much as the last, but she will never be replaced, that void will always be there. Having a newborn brings back so many memories of everything I went through with Quincy. There is something so special about your first child as they teach you how to become a parent. I am reminded of so many precious little memories. I often sit and imagine what it would be like if Q were still here. She loved babies so much and I know she would have loved Ryder. I am constantly living in a daydream of a life I wish were still mine.
Ryder is a good boy. I want so badly to focus on him right now and how wonderful he is. I don't want to think back to his first weeks of life and only remember how sad I was. I want to feel the true joy that others feel when they have a newborn baby. I often feel that my joy is overshadowed by sorrow because I can't get past the fact that Q isn't here and that he is my only child when I should have two. I am trying really really hard not to dwell on this, but to focus on the fact that I am incredibly blessed to have another child who I truly adore. I know Ryder is supposed to be here in our family right now and I know he will help me heal. He doesn't fill the void of not having Q here, but my mother heart is healing every day. To have a little one to take care of again is wonderful. I am a mom which is the best feeling in the world. 
Ryder W Draper 09.18.2012 7 lbs 20 in 1:28 pm


Once again, we are blessed. Welcome to our world Ryder W Draper.

8 comments:

Amylee said...

Happy and sad. So hard and so good. I think about you every day and how bitter sweet this must be for you. He is such a beautiful boy. You are right- mothers have so much love to give. Kids have so much love to give, too. I'm so sorry you are hurting, and I'm so happy you have this perfect little boy to hold. I can't wait to meet him. Love you.

Laurel said...

He is amazing! I can't wait to meet him! I love reading everything you write...it is always so sweet and exactly what I need to hear. Thanks for being so open. It probably helps you, but it helps so many others to become better. You are amazing Angie!

Todd and Holly said...

I love this. I love that little boy too, thanks for letting me come cuddle him for a while! He is so sweet, and think, how close he is to his angel sister right now? He is so fresh and new, I know he came straight from her arms! love you guys!

Michael and Cassie said...

He is so adorable! I can't even imagine the joy and hurt you are experiencing right now and I think you guys are pretty amazing! Congrats!!

Connie said...

My heart goes out to you.
My parents lost a baby boy of two months old a couple years before I was born. I have often heard them talk about being scared I was okay. After reading your blog I can more understand their uncertainties and insecurities.
I wish you many blessings in your little boy's life.

Tracie Bramhall said...

Love to read your blog Angie. You are so open and so true. It helps so many people to read it, including me. I love your ability to write your feelings (I know I couldn't). Ryder W is so cute, can't wait to meet him and hold him. I am so glad you and Brady have to hold at this time.

Chris and McKell Provost said...

Oh what a handsome little man he is perfect!! Congrats to you and Brady so happy he is in your arms to bring comfort to the both of you! Love the provosts

Lindsey @ Inspiring Creations said...

You are so incredibly strong and you inspire me every time I read your blog. :) Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. He is so precious!