Thursday, October 4, 2012

confessions

Lately I have been overwhelmingly consumed with sadness. I feel so guilty because I have this beautiful, perfect, happy, healthy little boy in my arms and yet I am filled with pain and tears. I'm not depressed, no postpartum, just sincerely sad. I love Ryder so much and I really do feel blessed to be able to have another child, but I long so badly for Quincy I can hardly stand it. I so desperately want Ryder to be enough, to feel that indescribable joy that most mothers feel when they hold their newborn and be content and satisfied, but I don't. I always feel like someone is missing. I feel like the joy is being suffocated by sorrow. I keep thinking the day will come that I will think of Q and smile and feel a warm comfort and peace knowing what I know about where she is and the Plan of Salvation, but I don't feel that way at all. I feel pain. I feel loneliness. I feel longing. I hurt.

Along with everything else, I am afraid. I am fearful. I loved Quincy with every tiny piece of my heart. My whole life was consumed by her. I was obsessed. And to lose her, I feel like I have lost a piece of myself. I am so terrified of losing another child and the pain that goes along with it, that I am cautious to give my whole heart again and to love as sincerely. I know this is awful and I hate to even write it, but it's true. I always have the thought in the back of my mind that I may never see my child again and I hate it.

I knew lots of mixed emotions would come after I had Ryder. Having a newborn again is like reliving Quincy. She taught me everything I know about babies and being a mother. But I didn't think it would be this hard. I didn't think I would be this sad. I don't want to be so sad. I know that I will always hurt for Q, but I don't want to be consumed by it. I want to enjoy Ryder and the other children I hope to have, just as much as I enjoyed Q. I don't want to be afraid and always worry that I might never see them again. I want to love again with every little bit of my heart.

I don't know why this terrible thing has happened and why God thinks that I am strong enough to get through this, but it did and He does. So what do I do? How do I make it through every day and move forward and enjoy the rest of my life? I trust, in Him and myself. Trust that He will strengthen and guide me, calm and carry me. And then I have to let Him. And I will.

6 comments:

Ashley Sullenger said...

I wish I had words of wisdom, but I don't. I felt everything you described, and its hard, and its horrible, and I cried all the time. Just keep working on moving forward. Even if its just baby steps, and slowly you will notice your heart keeps healing. I worried for four months straight that Ledger would die from SIDS and would struggle walking in every morning. I was super paranoid, I did a lot of praying, and things slowly got better. I'm proud of you, what you are going through is incredibly hard. Even though you don't feel like it, you should be proud of yourself.

Kathaleeny said...

If you had a broken leg you would do exercises to make it strong again. Do the same thing for your spirit. Find something that will make you laugh. Find something that will inspire you. Perform a random act of kindness. Remember that a broken leg doesn't get better in a day or a week and sometime down the road it will give you trouble during bad weather. But it will get better.

Anonymous said...

I don't necessarily feel like I am the best person to be giving my thoughts on the matter because I've never even had a child of my own, let alone had to give that child back to the Lord... BUT as I read your post my heart reached out, because I too have been dealing with a lot of heartache in so many different ways than you.

As I've been trying to deal with that heartache and find ways to be happy with the "Unexpected Life" it has been challenging but I have learned so much from a loving heavenly father. =)

I think that we came here to earth to do exactly what you pointed out... TO TRUST him and to know that he has a plan. I also think that he allows us to go through challenges and difficulties so that we can build an unbreakable relationship with HIS SON, Jesus Christ. I love that Christ has been where you are, and that he is soooo willing to get down in the trenches with you on the days you feel you can't do it anymore.

Last week I read a section of a conference talk and I feel like it really applies to your situation...
Elder Scott shared this...

Another example of revelation is this guidance given to President Joseph F. Smith: “I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors … who have preceded us into the spirit world. We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves.”1

I know that even when you know all the right answers, and you feel like you should just be able to flip a switch and have all the pain go away because you know the eternal perspective, it's not that easy to just be happy again. Sometimes we have to just be SAD and deal with those emotions. =) The only way to know true joy is to have experienced true sadness so take things just an hour at a time if needed and hang in there.

Remember that the Savior has promised to lighten your load if you will just let him! You are obviously an incredibly righteous daughter of a loving heavenly father who is allowing him to mold you even when it hurts more than you could have ever imagined. May you find joy in the journey and may you feel your sweet daughter near you.

kinli said...

Angie,
I don't remember who but during conference I think the Saturday morning session one of them spoke and said you will never fully fill that void until you are reunited with them. I can't remember who but I thought of you and Brady the whole time I listened to it. I really hope you guys are doing ok. If you need anything let me know.

Boxwell Family said...

I have no idea how I came across your blog. I have been wanting to comment for quite some time how Qunicy change my life and way of thinking.

I was at work that fateful day. I heard about the accident on KSL and when I read about a toddler involved my heart sunk. I went on with my day and after a while I got back on to the website and learned that "toddler" had passed. I remember thinking how awful.

Now.. fast forward a few weeks later I came across your blog. After reading about how Qunicy left this world I put 2 and 2 together and I just completely lost it.

You mean to tell me this "tragic car accident victim" had a family? Had parents that miss her every minute of everyday? I went on with my life after hearing about yet another accident.. while REAL people had their world come crashing down? I have never had this effect me, I hear about accidents all the time and for a few minutes I say to my self how awful but never taking the time to realize how much is it a heart crushing moment for someone else.

We had a memorial for the 9/11 victims at my work that is an Elementary School. Our PTA put each single name on the walls of all that perished that day. Walking up and down the halls seeing those names, one name kept popping up in my mind... Qunicy. Just because I didn't know any of the names personally doesn't mean someone out there is struggling.

Because of your Qunicy I see things different, I react different to stories I see and hear around me.

Because of Qunicy and the love you had for her to share her story, I am a better person. I am a more patient, and kind to peoples struggles and really take the time to listen.

Because of your Qunicy I am a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, aunt, and friend.

Thank you Qunicy, I will never forgot you :o)

Cindy C said...

Nothing can take away your love for your sweet daughter. Remember that the Savior is there. Those hopeless feelings come from Satan. Don't let Satan demolish YOU! or your family or what you know you believe. You are a daughter of our heavenly father and remember there is comfort in knowing who you are, where you come from, and where you are going. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are wonderful!! If you have a bad day so be it. Tomorrow is a new day.