Lately I have been overwhelmingly consumed with sadness. I feel so guilty because I have this beautiful, perfect, happy, healthy little boy in my arms and yet I am filled with pain and tears. I'm not depressed, no postpartum, just sincerely sad. I love Ryder so much and I really do feel blessed to be able to have another child, but I long so badly for Quincy I can hardly stand it. I so desperately want Ryder to be enough, to feel that indescribable joy that most mothers feel when they hold their newborn and be content and satisfied, but I don't. I always feel like someone is missing. I feel like the joy is being suffocated by sorrow. I keep thinking the day will come that I will think of Q and smile and feel a warm comfort and peace knowing what I know about where she is and the Plan of Salvation, but I don't feel that way at all. I feel pain. I feel loneliness. I feel longing. I hurt.
Along with everything else, I am afraid. I am fearful. I loved Quincy with every tiny piece of my heart. My whole life was consumed by her. I was obsessed. And to lose her, I feel like I have lost a piece of myself. I am so terrified of losing another child and the pain that goes along with it, that I am cautious to give my whole heart again and to love as sincerely. I know this is awful and I hate to even write it, but it's true. I always have the thought in the back of my mind that I may never see my child again and I hate it.
I knew lots of mixed emotions would come after I had Ryder. Having a newborn again is like reliving Quincy. She taught me everything I know about babies and being a mother. But I didn't think it would be this hard. I didn't think I would be this sad. I don't want to be so sad. I know that I will always hurt for Q, but I don't want to be consumed by it. I want to enjoy Ryder and the other children I hope to have, just as much as I enjoyed Q. I don't want to be afraid and always worry that I might never see them again. I want to love again with every little bit of my heart.
I don't know why this terrible thing has happened and why God thinks that I am strong enough to get through this, but it did and He does. So what do I do? How do I make it through every day and move forward and enjoy the rest of my life? I trust, in Him and myself. Trust that He will strengthen and guide me, calm and carry me. And then I have to let Him. And I will.