too close

I feel that I kind of live on eggshells. Since Q died I always have an underlying fear of the worst. I tend to over analyze situations thinking of what could happen, especially when it comes to my child. I never really worried with Q because she was such a huge blessing I just figured she would be somewhat "protected" and honestly nothing really tragic had ever happened to me before so I had that all empowered feeling of "It won't happen to me". Well, it did and since then I don't ever feel completely relaxed. I always have a bit of fear nagging at me.

It was the morning of October 5th, Ryder's big day, his circumcision. As I said before I now tend to run over every scenario in my head of what could go wrong. I was nervous about taking Ryder to the circumcision but continuously repeated to myself that it's a routine procedure, he was going to be fine. I have a cousin that lost her little boy of 2 weeks after his circumcision and I just couldn't get that out of my head. I kept telling myself to relax, I just lost a child, nothing will happen to this one. I said a little prayer on the way in to the office to calm myself.

When I got in there the Dr. asked if I wanted to stay or if I wanted to go and they would call me when they were done. I never thought I would want to watch because no mother wants to see their child in pain, but I decided I would stay and give Ryder the sugar water. Also I was curious. I had no brothers and this is my first boy. Ryder did great during the procedure and my fears were starting to subside. Why do I always have to be such a basket case? The Dr. told me to hold him for a few minutes while the bleeding slowed and he would be back to check on us. Ryder was very calm and relaxed as the nurse came in to give him some Tylenol. That's when things got scary. He held the Tylenol in his mouth and wouldn't swallow. He looked like he didn't like it, but I soon realized he was choking. I told the nurse to go get the Dr. and as she left Ryder stopped breathing. His lips and chin quickly turned blue and his body was turning purple. I did the motherly thing and flipped him over, thrusting my palm on his back. Panic began to set in as I once again held my lifeless child. I realized that hitting him on the back was not helping and I ran down the hall to find the Dr.

The next 30 minutes were a battle. I was trying so hard not to fall apart in that small room. A room I remember having a happy, healthy Quincy in not too long before for a well child checkup. A room where I feared I was going to lose another child, my worst fears becoming a reality once again. How could this be happening? As I paced the room my mind was spinning with thoughts of funerals and headstones. My arms were aching with the feeling of a lifeless body. My throat was choking back sobs, my eyes holding in tears. I was terrified.

The Dr. was working furiously to keep Ryder breathing and soon realized that he needed more attention. He called the ambulance and sent us to Primary Children's Hospital. I had text Brady during all of this and he got there just before the ambulance. After 2 days in the hospital and multiple tests it was determined that Ryder may have just aspirated the Tylenol and is a healthy baby. What a blessing.

I couldn't help but be angry that this had happened. Doesn't God know how fragile I am right now? Why does he have to scare me so much? The thought of losing another child is crippling. I honestly don't think I could go through all the pain again. I am still going through it. As I was in that room watching my beautiful child on the table struggling to breath, fighting to live, I prayed. I prayed and prayed. I felt so incredibly helpless as I realized once again that this life is not our own. It doesn't matter what we do, when God wants us home we are done here. I tried so hard those next two days to let go of that fear and just trust. Trust that God would bless my boy to live and that everything would be healthy and normal. Every test they took I prayed. Please please let him be healthy. And he was. And he is. And I am so very thankful. 

I don't know why I have to keep having these experiences, but I hope that whatever it is that I am to learn I am learning it, because my heart can't handle much more. I know that God is aware of me and my feelings and emotions and I trust that he will watch out for me. I have to let the fear go and trust that He knows what's best and then be ok with what happens, which I am learning is not always an easy thing to do. My prayers were answered this time and I am so thankful for my precious boy.