desperate

I miss you so much Quincy. I think about you every day, but today it hurts especially bad.

All I can think about today is how badly I want to pick you up from daycare and talk about chicken nuggets and sand boxes all the way home. I want you to search me frantically for my phone as soon as we walk in the door while yelling "puzoos". I want to help you wash your hands while you make silly faces at yourself in the mirror. I want to make you dinner and wipe your face. I want to bath you and splash you and spy on you as you play with your "baby in the bath". I want to sing the Wheels on the Bus to calm you as I wash your stringy hair. I want so so desperately to snuggle you in your towel and lotion that cute chunky little body. I want to read stories, one, two, three times over and repeat the part where the owl says hoo hoo and talk about the cookies in cookie monsters mouth. I want to hear you say "go nigh nigh daddy. love ew" and I want to kiss your face over and over and over again as I tell you I love you and I'll see you in the morning.

Today is one of those days I have to keep reading this quote...

"We may rest assured that all things are controlled and governed by Him whose spirit children we are. He knows the end from the beginning, and He provides for each of us the testings and trials which He knows we need. President Joseph Fielding Smith once told me that we must assume that the Lord knows and arranges beforehand who shall be taken in infancy and who shall remain on earth to undergo whatever tests are needed in their cases. This accords with Joseph Smith's statement: "The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth." It is implicit in the whole scheme of things that those of us who have arrived at the years of accountability need the tests and trials to which we are subject and that our problem is to overcome the world and attain that spotless and pure state which little children already possess."

"Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: 'You will have the joy, the pleasure, and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.'"

-Bruce R. McConkie

and this quote...

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

-Joseph B. Wirthlin



over and over and over again.

I keep asking myself if I really believe these things. I believe in God right? I believe the Gospel and I believe in prophets and apostles.... right? Yes, I do. Then I believe these words. And I cling to them. I have to.

I will always be your mommy Quincy. I think about you constantly and pray for you daily. I feel protective of you and pray that you will know how much you are loved and missed and that God will tell you how special you are. I tell people I have two children because I do. You will always be my oldest, my first born, my doll. You are my baby girl, my forever 2 year old. I don't understand why you had to leave, but I believe there is a plan and I know that I will raise you, just not now, not here. I got a taste of how wonderful life is with you in it and I crave it every day. I long desperately for the time I will hold you in my arms again.

I miss you Q. So very very much.