month 6

Ryder-

You are following right in Quincy's footsteps with your ear infections. This month you had another one. I knew right away when you were up all night and took you to the doctore before it got too bad. I hope you don't continue to have them, but I won't be surprised if you do.

You keep growing like crazy! At your 6 month appointment you weighed in at 17lbs 4oz putting you in the 44th % for weight and 27.5in, putting you in the 83rd % for height. How did we get such a big boy! You are wearing 6-9 month clothes and your foot is already a size 2. You are bald and chunky and we love it.

You hit two big milestones this month. You learned how to roll from back to front and sit up. I can no longer leave you in a room by yourself because you will roll all over. If you see something you want you can usually get to it, and anything you can grab along the way you put in your mouth. We have to watch you a lot closer now. You can also sit by yourself. It is so nice to be able to sit you up without having to prop you on something. You love it.

I couldn't wait until the 6 month mark to feed you, I was too excited. I started feeding you pureed food a few weeks ago. I love this phase. I feel like I am pushing you to grow up fast, but I love the toddler stage so much more than the baby stage. I can't wait for you to get there. So far you have tried rice cereal, oatmeal, pears and potatoes. You have loved all of these. I have to cut you off because you will eat and eat. I hope you like everything like your sister did. She was a great eater and it was fun to feed her because she would try almost everything.

As you are growing and we see more of your personality it's been fun to see the difference and similarities between you and Quincy. She is all we know so we compare everything to her. You are much bigger than her; big hands, big feet, big head. So boyish. Q was so petite. It's very different to have a boy after a girl. You are loud and rough. You hit and scratch and your voice is low and raspy. You are sweet and thoughtful like your sister though. You keep me in your sights and when we make eye contact you almost always smile. You look me in the eye and I know that you and I are going to have something very special. You have stolen a huge chunk of my heart. My thoughts are becoming more consumed with you and that is a good thing.

Ryder, you are my world. You are such a good little boy. You keep me going. You keep me smiling. You keep mine and daddy's world moving forward. I don't know where we would be without you. You came at just the right time, we needed you more than you will even know.

Love you lots.

lifelong broken heart

We don't want to say goodbye we don't want to feel that empty
But it's time to face the dawn head on
When there's something in the wind when the days go getting shorter
And the nights run cold and clear down here

We'll take each new day to give what we need to do our part
While were learning how to live with a lifelong broken heart

And we never will forget it's a privilege to remember
The sound of days gone past will last
We can see you in the stars come some vivid night in November
With the last few leaves that fall recall

Surely each new day will give what we need to do our part
To keep learning how to live with a lifelong broken heart

Oh you beautiful one so clearly a gift life had designs of its own
To set you adrift

So go lightly where you must travel soft upon new wings
You will never be alone go on
When we cannot understand when we cannot find new meaning
We'll seek out the ones you loved and love

Taking each new day to give what we need to do our part
To keep learning how to live with a lifelong broken heart
Were just learning how to live with a lifelong broken heart

-Rodney Crowell

Miss you doll

dirty white sock

I can't believe we are coming up on one year since we lost Quincy, Val and Kathy. It is so unreal that we have lived this long without them. When I think back to the last year of my life, I feel like it never happened. I feel like I have been checked out for the last 10 months. 10 months today. Did all of that really happen? Did we really bury a child and two parents? No, Quincy is at daycare. Val and Kathy are at home.

I wish.

I was having an especially hard day last week. It was Thursday so I was home with Ryder. He was a doll that day, but everything else was making me sad. Ryder has gotten so cute and happy and I am really starting to enjoy him. He is becoming more childish and not so babyish and I am reminded of the things I love and miss about Quincy. I was in Ryder's room folding clothes and cleaning up, a room I am in daily and I kept noticing Qs' things. I see these things every day, but that day they were standing out, triggering so many memories and emotions. In that sweet little boys room we have a lot things that were Quincy's; her toys, her rocking horse, her lamp, her crib, her photos and shadowbox, things that are now to be owned and used by her brother. This is bittersweet for me. I want Quincy to play with those toys and rock on that horse.

It was the box of puzzles in the closet that hit me the hardest that day. Anyone that knew Quincy knows how much she loved puzzles. We played puzzles every day. I stared at that red box for a long long time, writhing inside. My heart ached. When I get in these moments where I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, when I am so consumed by sadness, I have to push the sad thoughts out of my head. I have to shift my focus, otherwise I am crippled by sorrow and it's impossible to function. I moved on with my chores, trying to shift. I was changing Ryder's bed sheet and my mind became consumed again with Quincy as I was daydreaming about her in that crib such a very short time ago. (which seems like an eternity) As I was tucking and tightening the sheet I felt something. A little lump. I put my hand up in the sheet and pulled out a dingy dirty little sock. Quincy's sock. How did it get there? A week after the funeral I pulled her bed apart and washed everything. I have washed Ryder's sheets multiple times. How did that little sock get there??? My entire body was burning. The feeling in that room was so overwhelming. I have never been so grateful for a dirty sock. I broke down. I sobbed for my darling little Quincy. I cried for a long time, harder than I have let myself in a while.

10 months later, my mind is still constantly reeling, trying to process, trying to make sense of everything that has happened. I want to understand. I want to see the bigger picture. I want to know why God let Quincy die, why He didn't save her when I know He could have. I want to know more. I want to feel at peace. I want my mind to rest, to be content and to feel confident in what I know and believe.

The more I question and the more I wonder, the more confused and frustrated I get. Then I get a sweet little reminder of the life that I once shared with a feisty 20 month old darling I named Quincy, and I feel peace. I feel a burning in my heart and my eyes swell. I don't need to wonder. I don't need to understand. I will never, in this life, know the details. I know that she is alive. I can feel her. I know that I will see her again. And that, for now, is enough.