month 21

Quincy-

Sunday you would have been 21 months old. And this week I am 21 weeks pregnant with your little brother. A small coincidence that makes me smile. I know you will never read these letters now and this may or may not be my last, but I didn't want to forget that last day I had with you that replays so vividly in my head. This letter is for me.

The very last day I spent with you was wonderful. It was a Thursday, my favorite day of the week because I got to be home with you. We woke you up earlier than you are used to because we were going to the hospital to get the much anticipated ultrasound of the new baby. Like always you grabbed your baby and your softie as we loaded you in the car. We had talked to you lots about having a baby and were so excited for you to be a big sister. Although I know you didn't fully understand, you were excited, telling everyone that daddy was having a baby. That made me smile. I used to wish that was true, that he could carry the baby this time, but now I am ever grateful to have the precious life inside me. You were such a good girl to sit on daddys lap while we anxiously got a peak at our new bundle. We had asked you all along if the baby was a boy or girl and you always said boy. We were so happy that you were right as we were hoping for you to have a brother. I had my girl and Brady longed for his boy. I now look back and think that you knew, you knew your little brother was coming and that we were going to need him so much more than we ever imagined.

The rest of that day was spent running errands. Just you and me. Just the way we liked it. You were my best friend and since daddy works so hard to support us, you and I got to spend a lot of time together. We were getting ready for our Moab trip which we had been planning for months and so you and I had a lot to pull together. We went to Target to find some summer clothes that fit my ever growing belly. You got to pick out a toy and you chose a yellow duck watering can and 3 headbands, which you wore all at the same time. We also picked out a new outfit for your brother just because we could. You were a little pest in the store and kept throwing everything in the cart out onto the floor and than crying that it was on the floor. I was very patient with you which now I am thankful for. But you in turn were very patient with me as I tried on pair after pair of pants trying to find the right one. You laid on the bench in the dressing room watching Bubble Guppies on my phone and making faces at yourself and laughing in the mirror. I don't know if I'll be able to use that Target dressing room for a while.

After Target we went to the mall so I could get some new bras. I took you in Victorias Secret and I post this although its a bit embarassing for me, because it's one of my favorite things I remember about that day. I was trying on new bras, trying to find the one for me and the very helpful lady brought me a new one. You were sitting so patiently in your green stroller and looked at me and said with a little giggle, "You getting new boobies? Mommy got new boobies?" I can still hear the tone in your voice and remember the absolute joy that I felt as I looked at you and laughed, a bit embarassed as I'm sure everyone else in the dressing room heard, but I didn't care. I loved you so much.

As we left the mall I called your dad to let him know we were on our way home but that I was going to stop and get you some chicken and fries from Wendys. You LOVED chicken nuggets and fries and didn't get them often but had asked for them. We hadn't even pulled out of the mall parking lot before I noticed you had fallen to sleep. I looked at you in the rear view mirror a long time feeling so thankful you were mine. So cute and so perfect and so happy. So loved. I remember a lot of details about this day. Maybe somehow deep down I knew it would be my last.

As we got home I laid you down for a nap, hoping that you would sleep longer than the 30 minute drive home. You were quiet for about 10 minutes before I heard banging. I quietly opened your door to check on you and you were sitting up in your crib and smiled and said "All done". You had tricked me, you hadn't been sleeping at all, but had gotten into the bookshelf next to your crib and had puzzles all over and were dropping the pieces behind the crib. We found various things between the crib and the wall. You must have thought it was a good hiding place.
I got you up and fed you lunch, not your chicken and fries, but a PB&J sandwich and some chips. You were such a good girl and such a good eater and I will so badly miss making your meals and eating mine cold. I would often do the dishes while you finished your dinner and since you sat right accross from the sink you always wanted to play with the bubbles. You would hold out your hand and I would dab a blob of bubbles on it and you would giggle than act as if they were yucky and shake your hand to get them off. I would tell you to wipe them on your bib and you did as you promptly asked for more.

We spent the rest of the day packing bags and cutting fruit, you were by my side the whole day. I think you emptied every bucket of toys you had in your room that day. It was a bigger mess than it had ever been. And even though you didn't get much of a nap you were a doll. You were so happy and pleasant and I enjoyed every minute with you. That night you were going to stay the night with your Aunt Amy which you were very excited about. You loved her so much. The rest of the weekend you were staying with your Grandma and Grandpa Draper while daddy and I went on our trip. That night daddy went to load the jeep up and I got you bathed and ready for bed. I debated on wether I should bath you or let Amy do it and I am grateful I took that time with you. Bath time was something I looked forward to with you. You hated your hair washed and it was a time for me to show you that I wouldn't let anything happen to you, that I would be so careful not to get water in your face. The way you looked up at me with trusting eyes was a wonderful mother moment. After every bath I wrapped you in your towel and we cuddled. Always we cuddled, no matter how late it was or how much of a hurry we were in, we cuddled. I always stood in front of the mirror with my back to it so you could see your beautiful face. I lotioned you and clipped your finger and toe nails, helped you brush your teeth and put in your favorite dog jammies you got for Christmas.

Then we took you to Amys. You ran around her driveway playing with her dogs in your jammies and purple crocks. You had us all laughing as you were being silly and showing off. I still remember hugging you goodbye, the smell of the lotion and your hair a little damp from your bath. I kissed you and told you I loved you, never imagining it would be my last. If I had known I would have never let you go.

Quincy, you were such a joy. Just as every post I ever wrote about you said, you were and still are everything to your dad and I. Everything we did was for you. We lived every day and every minute for you and we still will. We now just do it differently. We will no longer feed you and wash you and play with you, but we will think of you and cherish you and pray for you, that we will still feel that undescribable love that we have always felt for you. We now must take care of ourselves so that we may once again pick up where we left off, 2 weeks shy of 21 months. I can't wait for the day.

Love you lots.