boy

Dear little boy,

I am starting your letters early. I am getting way too anxious for you to come. I am now 33 weeks pregnant, with 7 weeks left until you get here. Maybe more. Hopefully less. I am so ready to meet you and hold you and smell you and smother you.

When I first found out you were a boy I was excited, but not quite as excited as your dad. He is so happy to have a boy coming that he can share his interests with. When we found out you are a boy, we said that our world was perfect. We had our girl, and soon our boy. It couldn't get any better. Just 3 days later, your beautiful sister was taken home to heaven and our world changed. Our world shattered. I hate to say this, but as much as I should have been grateful for you to be in my belly at that time, I was not. I was mad. I was mad that Quincy was gone. I was mad that you were a boy and not a girl. I was mad at everything.

As time has continued on and we have continued to learn to live without Q, we have tried to focus on you. We have started gathering things to change a girls room to a boys. We have gone through toys and blankets and clothes and saved some of your sweet sisters things for you to enjoy. We have gotten ultrasounds and talked about names and daydreamed what you are going to look and act like. We have been learning to say "he" instead of "she". We are starting to heal from the unbearable pain of losing your sister and beginning to imagine our new future with you, Quincy's brother. I am now, with time, beyond happy that you are in my belly and that you are a boy, I am ready for you.

As much as I feel I am ready for you, I hope you are ready for me. I am really unsure how I am going to be when you get here. I know that the joy of you coming is going to help push out some of the sorrow I feel for Q, but I'm unsure how my heart is going to handle two such extreme emotions. I'm scared. I hope that I can be strong for you and I hope that you are a good boy for me. We can work together and things will be great. I know that you are what I need to heal and continue to move forward. You are going to make me a mom again. I can't even tell you how excited I am to be your mom. You have pretty big shoes to fill little guy. I'm telling you now, your sister was awesome. She was very special and everyone loved her. She was outgoing and smart and happy and energetic. She was wonderful. I know you will be too.

I hope that you are enjoying your last few moments with your sister and that you are learning from her. In the short time that she was here we learned so much from her. Make sure to tell her thanks for teaching us to be better parents. We will forever cherish every moment with you and your other siblings, as we are now so aware that we are not in charge of how long we will get to have you. We loved every minute with Quincy and will do our best to enjoy every minute with you.

Come soon little boy.

We love you already.