12.25

I did it. I made it through Christmas. Everyone is asking me how my holiday was and I respond, It was good. But was it really good? My daughter died and I miss her. I cried. A lot. There is nothing good about any of that. But the more I think about it, I can honestly say that it was good. It was sad, but wonderful all the same.

It was wonderful because we were surrounded by family who share all the same tender feelings of sadness and loneliness but also happiness and confidence of a knowledge of life after death.

It was wonderful because we have been so greatly blessed and were able to give to each other and our family and enjoy watching gifts be received.

It was wonderful because we have a new son that got to experience his first Christmas surrounded by people who adore him.

It was wonderful because this year above all we were able to focus so intently on the real meaning of this season. Because a big part of our family are not on this earth with us anymore, I often think about heaven and what might be going on there. I am constantly reminding myself of the things that are truly important as it is so easy to get caught up in worldly things. I am consistently forcing myself to think of happy memories and positive thoughts so as not to be totally consumed by sadness.

It was wonderful because as others asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I thought about it, I realized there is nothing that I want more than for my family to be together forever. There is not one worldly possession that could even come close to being as important as this. My eyes have opened so drastically to the sincere love a mother has for her family.

It was wonderful because we had our very own Christmas angel, the cutest little stringy haired angel in heaven. I know without a doubt that Q has been with me so much these last few days. I was not looking forward to Christmas at all this year and was dreading it because I wasn't sure what kind of emotion I would be dealing with. But I did it, the holiday came and went and I now know the meaning of letting the Lord carry our burdens as I feel that mine have been somewhat lifted, enough that I really have been able to enjoy Christmas.

It may sound silly that I so badly wanted to enjoy Christmas and that I had to try so hard to do so, but it is still a daily struggle for me to remain happy and positive. My heart is so sad. I do not want to live a sad life. I want to enjoy the things I used to love and not let my swollen heart take all my joy. I have so many things that still bring me joy and I strive every single day to focus on those things. My doll is okay and I need to be too.

I am so thankful for my Lord and my precious angel that help carry my sadness.

Until we meet again Q.

month 3

Ryder-

You have turned into a new boy this month. You are so much happier now and I feel like we can finally enjoy you. I will be honest, the first two months you drained me and I didn't always love being around you. I am especially weak right now and you did not start out as the easiest baby. But this month you have turned a corner and you are absolutely adorable!

Like Q, you smile a lot and talk like crazy. You have giggled a few times and it is so dang cute. Unlike Q, you are a true boy. You fart (a lot), you grunt, you whine and when you are hungry you are mean. I felt like I could hold Q off a little from eating if I was in the middle of something but not you, when you are ready to eat you do not want to wait one more minute. You eat a lot, poop a lot and sleep a lot. You are such a different baby than I am used to, but I am starting to get used to you and your ways.

 I can finally brag about how well you sleep! This is a really big deal to me. I don't do well if I don't get sleep. At about 10 weeks you started sleeping through the night. This happened at the perfect time because I have now started back to work and really need my sleep. You are consistently sleeping 8-9 hours without a bottle which makes everyone so happy. Since I went back to work this month you started going to daycare. You get to go to Carrie's house. Quincy loved Carrie and I can already tell you do too. You smile so big at her. You get to play with Quincy's friends and are exhausted when you come home. I'm sure it makes Q happy to see you with these people she loves so much.

This month you were introduced to your softie. Q loved her softie so much that we decided to see if you would like one too, and you do. If you are sleepy we hand you your softie and you will pull it up to your face and cuddle and rub it. It settles you down. I like to think it reminds you of Quincy too. I think all our babies will have softies.

Ryder, I am so happy you are mine. Losing Q has hurt me so badly I have put up a huge wall. I have been afraid to give you my heart in fear of losing you too and feeling the intense pain all over again. But you are persistent and you are quickly breaking my wall down. I am falling more and more in love with you. I know I have said this many times, but you are a huge blessing and you have truly saved me. You are my boy and I am your mommy and I pray every day that you will never leave me. I need you little Ryder dude.  

Love you lots.

mine

These are not your typical family pictures, but they are mine and they are pricless. There is nothing more important to me than these 3 people.

Tis the season...

...to be jolly. Jolley: an adjective that means happy and cheerful. Synonyms: jovial, merry, cheerful, joyful. I want to be jolly.

Christmas is coming fast and although I usually look forward to the holidays, including Halloween and Thanksgiving, this year has been drastically different. Halloween has come and gone, we went to a party and gave out candy, I bawled most of the day. Thanksgiving we stuffed ourselves with turkey and potatoes, I cried all day the day after, and now comes Christmas. The tree is up, the lights are on, the shopping is done and the presents are wrapped.

I am not jolly.

Think about everything that you look forward to with the holidays. What makes them so enjoyable to you?  Halloween, now that I am a mom, is about my children. What will they wear? Who will we show them off to? What kind of candy will we give out? It's so fun to take them around knocking on doors. Thanksgiving, to me is all about family and those who you are surrounded by, focusing on your blessings. Yes, the food is wonderful, but the company is better. And Christmas. Christmas is magical. Especially when you are a parent. And although I have sweet Ryder to spoil this year, it's just not the same.

I have really struggled these last few months being jolly. Or cheerful or even happy. I know the real meaning of Christmas, the reason we celebrate. But I'll be honest, since becoming a parent the worldy part of it has become a bigger deal and it is so much fun. But this year it has been made so very clear to me what truly is important. Although nothing about "Christmas" has changed as far as music, trees, gifts, parties and festivities, it is so painfully different. I am surrouded by all of the "things" that make it Christmas, but it is just not the same without Quincy and Kathy and Val. It is so hard to get into the spirit with so many loved ones missing. I am so sad.

I have been dreading Christmas since the accident because I knew I was going to be so sorely dissapointed and lonely. I have had to force myslef to decorate and shop. I still dont choose to listen to christmas music. I usually love it,  but it makes me feel like everything is ok and normal and it isn't. Every store I go into I automatically drift to girl things. Toys. Clothes. Bracelets. Babydolls. Doggies. Oh I miss Quincy so badly. It's so heartbreaking that I cannot spoil my little girl this year. Or ever.

"Let us make Christmas real. It isn't just tinsel and ribbon,

unless we have made it so in our lives. Christmas is the spirit

of giving without a thought of getting. It is happiness because

 we see joy in people. It is forgetting self and finding time for others.

 It is discarding the meaningless and stressing the true values. It is

peace because we have found peace in the Savior's teachings."

-Thomas S. Monson

I hate so much that I have no Christmas spirit. I want to be jolly so so bad. I have tried so hard to find some happiness among all my sadness and find things that will bring me some joy. I put up my tree. Bought some gifts and wrapped them, but the things that have brought me a little hope and a little joy this season are not these things. They are the things I have done for others. "Christmas is the spirit of giving without a thought of getting. It is happiness because we see joy in people". This is what I have thrived on the last few weeks. It helps to give. It helps to see other peoples joy. It helps to not focus on me and my sadness. It really is about Christ and his life of service and caring and pure love. It is about family and memories and feelings.

Although I don't get to buy gifts for Quincy and watch her face light up Christmas morning like my mommy heart so badly longs for, I have to focus on the blessings I have. I have to remember what this season truly is about, our Savior. And that is who my beautiful baby girl is with at this very moment, she is spending this special day with the one person we are all celebrating. What a lucky girl.

Take just a minute Christmas morning as you are surrounded by your loved ones, look around and take it all in. The gifts and the magic of Christmas aren't bad things, but it's much more than that. Enjoy your families. Enjoy your children. Enjoy making memories and feeling the spirit of our Savior who loves us dearly. I am so thankful for Him and that I know that my little doll and her lovely grandparents will be spending this special day with their Savior. Makes me feel closer to Him and makes this Christmas just a little more jolly.

Month 2

Ryder-

I am slow to get this letter written and you are now closer to 3 months than 2. I must say month 2 has been better than month 1. You continue to be fussy and gassy but not quite as much. I took you off the meds and took you to a chiropractor where she did some cranial sacral massaging and it has helped quite a bit. You are less fussy and gassy than you have been and seem to be a little more pleasant.

I still cannot brag about your sleeping habits as I did in almost every post for Quincy. You're not quite the sleeper she was. You were waking up every 2-3 hours for the longest time but since seeing the chiropractor you are now sleeping 6-7 hours at a time, eating and then going back to sleep for 3 more. I can't complain about that. We are starting to feel a little more caught up on our rest. Although you fight sleep during the day you go to bed without any hassle. It's nice. You are learning to sooth yourself and put yourself to sleep like Quincy did.

This month you have learned to smile. WE LOVE IT! You are not always the most pleasant baby so when we get smiles it makes us really happy. You are starting to smile and coo more and more. I hope that means you are feeling better about life.

first smile picture

The first month you were so unhappy all the time I felt like I didn't know anything about you. As you have become more comfortable I have been learning more about you and feel like I am finally getting to know you. You are an eater! You love love love to eat and it shows! At your 2 month appointment you were 11lbs 1oz and 23 inches. You fill your 3 month onesies out nicely. You are a much bigger baby than I am used to. Q was so petite, but you my boy, are not. You still refuse to nurse which makes me so sad. I love to nurse and was looking forward to sharing that bond with you. But it stresses both of us out every time we try so I pump and you get your bottle.

You do not like a dirty diaper. You are much more pleasant when your bum is clean. You don't like tummy time, but you love baths. Every single time you take a bath you pee. Every time. I'm sure Q did too, I just didn't know it. You are not too much of a binkie baby. If you are are hungry you most definitely won't take a binkie and when you are tired you will take it for a minute than spit it out. You are very persistent and I believe can be a good thing. You will need that ambition as you grow up in this uncertain world.

Ryder, you are quite the boy. You came to us at such a vulnerable time. But your timing was perfect. I have not been a very nice mom as I am still hurting so badly and I have not been very patient with you. I hope you can stay strong and continue to be patient with me. You truly are a blessing to your dad and I and we are falling more and more in love with you the more we get to know you. You must be a special boy to come to our home at this time and we are excited to see who you will become.

Love you lots.