why

I know when bad things happen we are told not to focus on the whys and what ifs. Lately i am consumed with these two words.

What if we never went to Moab? What if I had Q in a different car seat? What if we would have come home earlier? What if Kathy would have answered her phone when we called on our way?

Why did 3 people have to die at once? Why did Quincy have to die? Why didn't God save her? Why did it take so long to get pregnant with Q just to lose her so soon? Why wasn't I warned or somehow prepared for this? Why did God shatter a perfectly happy, content family? Why do I have to live the rest of my life with such pain and grief? Why did He take my happy healthy baby girl and give me a fussy sad little boy?  Why did Quincy have to die? Why does He think I can handle this?

Is there really a plan? And if so, why is this one mine? How could God allow anyone to hurt this much?

11.11.12

Sunday the 11th was Ryder's blessing day. While such a special day for Ryder we couldn't help but think about Quincy's blessing day. Both Brady and I were pretty emotional. It was a tender day.

Brady gave a beautiful blessing warning Ryder that this earth life is hard and to never be hesitant to drop to his knees and pray to his Father in heaven for help. He also told him that he has a special little angel that he needs to let help guide him throughout this life. The blessing was perfect and I am so thankful that Brady is able to bless his children.

homesick

Lately I have been feeling extremely homesick. I am homesick for my house. I miss my kitchen. I miss my tub. I miss the smell of my home. I miss my bedroom. I miss Quincy's room. I miss Quincy. I'm homesick for my life. I miss me.

Right now we are living in Val and Kathy's house. It is a beautiful home and has a wonderful spirit, but it's not home. I feel like I am on vacation or just visiting my in laws for a while. I feel like Quincy is being tended but soon we will get to go pick her up. I feel like things will return back to normal, back to the way they were. Perfect. We left Quincy to go on a vacation and never got to see her again, except for in a dying, broken body. I still miss her like I did that weekend and feel like she is just waiting for me to come home. I still feel like we are waiting to get home and see her.

"Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks,

she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."

-Author Unknown

Many people ask how I am doing. Well, this poem says it. I am here, I smile, I cook, I clean, I will soon return to work. I am. But I am not. I am here, but my heart is not. I am trying so hard to return to life but it is so hard to do when part of me is not here. I am so lonely and homesick for something that will never again be. At least not in this lifetime. It is a crippling reality. But each day that I am, I continue to be. And each day is one day closer to eternity with my family. 

I guess in a way we are on "vacation" and Quincy is "home", waiting for us. Oh how I can't wait to go home and see my little girl.

who am i

6 months. 6 months ago today my world was shattered as we let our beautiful baby girl leave this earth. This day was followed by the most terrifying day I could ever imagine. When I think back to the 6th and 7th of May I am physically sick. My mind is consumed with memories of the horrific phone call, the heartbreaking accident scene, the hospital, the helicopter, the waiting room, the waiting room, the smells, the tubes, so many tubes, paperwork, decisions, obituaries, caskets, little white dresses, headstones...... When I think about all these things I can't even believe that those are memories. We did that. We lost three people in 24 hours. These are nightmares that became my reality. It happened to me.

"When something bad happens

you have three choices,

you can either let it define you,

let it destroy you,

or you can let it strengthen you"

-unknown

Who am I? Since I lost Q I have really struggled to find myself again. My mom used to always tell me I have a sparkle in my eyes. Lately she has been telling me I have lost that sparkle. Quincy was my sparkle. Quincy made me who I really was. She made me a mom which is what I always wanted to be. I was happy, I was content, I was her mom.

Have you ever read a really good book that you couldn't put down? You were totally consumed by the characters and the plot and even found yourself thinking about it when you weren't reading it. And when the book was done you were so disappointed that there wasn't more, you weren't ready to be done with it and maybe even still thought about it days or weeks later. That is how I feel about my life. I was so enthralled with the way things were. I was obsessed with my little girl, just found out I was having a little boy, purchased a lot to build a new house, marriage was great, I felt nothing could go better. My life was perfect.

May 6th. Everything changed. Crumbled. Shattered. My world ended. How could I possibly live through this. 3 of the most important people in my life are gone. I felt such peace about Val and Kathy being able to go together, but I missed Q so badly after being gone for the weekend, our first trip without her. I wanted to hug her and kiss her and give her the little blue jeep we searched all of Moab for. I will never get to hug or kiss her, or give her that jeep. How am I going to do this?

How does a mother lose a child
And move on day by day
How do you pick up and be strong
How do you live this way

How do you wake, how do you rise
How do you just move on
When everything you wake up for
Has been taken, now is gone

A home once filled with laughter
Has changed to sobbing cries
A face once carried happiness
Now sullen, heavy eyes

Walls and mirrors still littered
With tiny fingerprints
Toys and smells still linger
Leaving all her evidence

The emptiness inside this home
The pain inside my chest
A piece of me is missing
I don't know how I'll pass this test

I know that she is with Him
With her father up above
That she is perfect and shes happy
Shes encircled by His love

So Father since you have her
You get to hug and hold her tight
Please share her love with me today
Please stay with me through the night

Watch over and protect me
As I continue on my way
Without my perfect angel
To get me through the day

I wrote this a few days after Q died and I couldn't even figure out how to get out of bed in the morning. I literally could not get myself out of bed. I could not eat, I could not stand, I could not function! I honestly couldn't figure out how I was going to life another day let alone the rest of my life.

So here I am 6 months later still trying to figure it out. Who am I? I feel so broken. I'm in a different home with a different baby. I don't even feel like the same person. I still struggle each day to get out of bed, but I do! I am learning and starting to accept that I will never be the same person. Quincy was a huge part of who I am and until I am reunited with her, I will never be the same. I have accepted this and am learning how to be a new me. I am learning how to make a new space feel like home. I am learning how to love a child, a child that is mine but so very different from the one I so deeply long for. I am learning how to laugh and feel joy while still being encompassed with pain and sorrow. I am re learning how to be a mom, a wife, a sister, a friend. I am learning how to live with a broken heart.

I was not ready to leave the life I had for this new one, but it is not my choice. I never would have chosen this. But my choice is now how I decide to handle the changes. I will not let them destroy me. I feel so blessed to have been given those wonderful 20 months with my sweet angel. I wish more than anything I could have kept her here longer but I choose to embrace this experience and make the most of the rest of my life with her as my guide. I will not let anything stand in the way of being with her and the rest of my family for eternity. I choose to continue to find the new me and be the best me I can. I choose to be strengthened. I choose to live as if Quincy were still here, because I know she is.