Wednesday, November 14, 2012


Lately I have been feeling extremely homesick. I am homesick for my house. I miss my kitchen. I miss my tub. I miss the smell of my home. I miss my bedroom. I miss Quincy's room. I miss Quincy. I'm homesick for my life. I miss me.

Right now we are living in Val and Kathy's house. It is a beautiful home and has a wonderful spirit, but it's not home. I feel like I am on vacation or just visiting my in laws for a while. I feel like Quincy is being tended but soon we will get to go pick her up. I feel like things will return back to normal, back to the way they were. Perfect. We left Quincy to go on a vacation and never got to see her again, except for in a dying, broken body. I still miss her like I did that weekend and feel like she is just waiting for me to come home. I still feel like we are waiting to get home and see her.

"Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks,
she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."
-Author Unknown

Many people ask how I am doing. Well, this poem says it. I am here, I smile, I cook, I clean, I will soon return to work. I am. But I am not. I am here, but my heart is not. I am trying so hard to return to life but it is so hard to do when part of me is not here. I am so lonely and homesick for something that will never again be. At least not in this lifetime. It is a crippling reality. But each day that I am, I continue to be. And each day is one day closer to eternity with my family. 

I guess in a way we are on "vacation" and Quincy is "home", waiting for us. Oh how I can't wait to go home and see my little girl.


The Staheli's said...

Angie, I hope that you know how much we love you. I pray and wish so much that I could take it all away and fix it. My heart aches for you daily. Love you lots! I am continuosly praying for you and Brady. One day closer to home is all you can do. Love ya!!

Anonymous said...

My heart aches every time I read your blog! I cannot imagine losing my son. I am so sorry for your loss. Quincy is so beautiful! I know you probably don't like hearing that she is in a better place, since in your arms is the best place you could imagine. But I know that Heavenly Father has her tightly wrapped, safely in his arms. I hope knowing that is comforting to you. What a beautiful angel! "When your heart is heavy and you can no longer stand it, kneel and pray."