Wednesday, November 7, 2012

who am i

6 months. 6 months ago today my world was shattered as we let our beautiful baby girl leave this earth. This day was followed by the most terrifying day I could ever imagine. When I think back to the 6th and 7th of May I am physically sick. My mind is consumed with memories of the horrific phone call, the heartbreaking accident scene, the hospital, the helicopter, the waiting room, the waiting room, the smells, the tubes, so many tubes, paperwork, decisions, obituaries, caskets, little white dresses, headstones...... When I think about all these things I can't even believe that those are memories. We did that. We lost three people in 24 hours. These are nightmares that became my reality. It happened to me.

"When something bad happens
you have three choices,
you can either let it define you,
let it destroy you,
or you can let it strengthen you"

Who am I? Since I lost Q I have really struggled to find myself again. My mom used to always tell me I have a sparkle in my eyes. Lately she has been telling me I have lost that sparkle. Quincy was my sparkle. Quincy made me who I really was. She made me a mom which is what I always wanted to be. I was happy, I was content, I was her mom.

Have you ever read a really good book that you couldn't put down? You were totally consumed by the characters and the plot and even found yourself thinking about it when you weren't reading it. And when the book was done you were so disappointed that there wasn't more, you weren't ready to be done with it and maybe even still thought about it days or weeks later. That is how I feel about my life. I was so enthralled with the way things were. I was obsessed with my little girl, just found out I was having a little boy, purchased a lot to build a new house, marriage was great, I felt nothing could go better. My life was perfect.

May 6th. Everything changed. Crumbled. Shattered. My world ended. How could I possibly live through this. 3 of the most important people in my life are gone. I felt such peace about Val and Kathy being able to go together, but I missed Q so badly after being gone for the weekend, our first trip without her. I wanted to hug her and kiss her and give her the little blue jeep we searched all of Moab for. I will never get to hug or kiss her, or give her that jeep. How am I going to do this?

How does a mother lose a child
And move on day by day
How do you pick up and be strong
How do you live this way

How do you wake, how do you rise
How do you just move on
When everything you wake up for
Has been taken, now is gone

A home once filled with laughter
Has changed to sobbing cries
A face once carried happiness
Now sullen, heavy eyes

Walls and mirrors still littered
With tiny fingerprints
Toys and smells still linger
Leaving all her evidence

The emptiness inside this home
The pain inside my chest
A piece of me is missing
I don't know how I'll pass this test

I know that she is with Him
With her father up above
That she is perfect and shes happy
Shes encircled by His love

So Father since you have her
You get to hug and hold her tight
Please share her love with me today
Please stay with me through the night

Watch over and protect me
As I continue on my way
Without my perfect angel
To get me through the day

I wrote this a few days after Q died and I couldn't even figure out how to get out of bed in the morning. I literally could not get myself out of bed. I could not eat, I could not stand, I could not function! I honestly couldn't figure out how I was going to life another day let alone the rest of my life.

So here I am 6 months later still trying to figure it out. Who am I? I feel so broken. I'm in a different home with a different baby. I don't even feel like the same person. I still struggle each day to get out of bed, but I do! I am learning and starting to accept that I will never be the same person. Quincy was a huge part of who I am and until I am reunited with her, I will never be the same. I have accepted this and am learning how to be a new me. I am learning how to make a new space feel like home. I am learning how to love a child, a child that is mine but so very different from the one I so deeply long for. I am learning how to laugh and feel joy while still being encompassed with pain and sorrow. I am re learning how to be a mom, a wife, a sister, a friend. I am learning how to live with a broken heart.

I was not ready to leave the life I had for this new one, but it is not my choice. I never would have chosen this. But my choice is now how I decide to handle the changes. I will not let them destroy me. I feel so blessed to have been given those wonderful 20 months with my sweet angel. I wish more than anything I could have kept her here longer but I choose to embrace this experience and make the most of the rest of my life with her as my guide. I will not let anything stand in the way of being with her and the rest of my family for eternity. I choose to continue to find the new me and be the best me I can. I choose to be strengthened. I choose to live as if Quincy were still here, because I know she is.


Amylee said...

I still shake my head in disbelief at all of it. I'm in awe of you. I ache for you. I cry for you. I pray for you. There are no words except for to say how deeply sorry I am for you and to let you know that I hug my kids tighter every day because of Quincy.

Bridger & Tausha Wilde said...

6 Ang, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about those days, Quincy and you and Brady. I'm so glad that we searched for those jeeps tht weekend. We were so determined to bring them home something fun. Everytime I look at the jeep it makes me smile and remember your beautiful girl. I'm so lucky to call you my friend. You really are so strong. We love you and your family!

Breona said...

You are strong and have waded through the last 6 mths. Somehow, some way-- with heavenly father, Quincy, Val, Kathy and other angels buoying you up. My heart breaks for you and I'm sorry for this trial in your life- so hard. You inspire me and so many. Life is so precious, and so short. Much love!!

Krissy said...

Ang I love that poem. It means alot to me as a mother going through similar things you are going through. I don't know if I ever told you but my husband and I love reading through it's full of great stuff and has more exciting things happen then our little town. Anyways I came across the story of your in-laws accident and was instantly always trying to follow what was going on. My heart broke for you instantly as I knew the instant shock of loss is. I prayed for you all the time that you would be able to make it through. It just didn't seem fair to not only lose in-laws but your sweet little Q either. I was pregnant with Laney at the time and had considered naming her Q after your angel because I loved the name and felt a kinship with you and your angel even though I didn't know you but knew some of your pain. I hope you know you will always have a friend always here to talk to. Who knows the things you are going through. I look forward to the day when I can see my angel but I gain strength every day through reading others blogs that are going through similar things I am and also feeling the same pain. I know my situation is different but the pain is still the same. Always thinking of you and praying we'll all find tender mercies along the way.
Please contact me any time through facebook or email. I'd love to visit if you ever need some one to talk with and especially cry with :)