Tuesday, November 27, 2012

why

I know when bad things happen we are told not to focus on the whys and what ifs. Lately i am consumed with these two words.

What if we never went to Moab? What if I had Q in a different car seat? What if we would have come home earlier? What if Kathy would have answered her phone when we called on our way?

Why did 3 people have to die at once? Why did Quincy have to die? Why didn't God save her? Why did it take so long to get pregnant with Q just to lose her so soon? Why wasn't I warned or somehow prepared for this? Why did God shatter a perfectly happy, content family? Why do I have to live the rest of my life with such pain and grief? Why did He take my happy healthy baby girl and give me a fussy sad little boy?  Why did Quincy have to die? Why does He think I can handle this?

Is there really a plan? And if so, why is this one mine? How could God allow anyone to hurt this much?

7 comments:

Carey said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I have no answers or comfort to offer other than you are not alone. The road if sorrow is long and hard. I walked it many miles but it does eventually get easier. It is hard to understand why bad things happen to such good people.
As for your baby , does he have reflux. One of my twins did and he sounds a lot like her. Once we put her on soy and gave her meds she was much happier.

Amylee said...

So sorry Angie. There aren't words. We may never really know the answer to any of those questions.

WCreativeDesigns said...

You don't know me, but I check in on you and my heart hurts for you. I cannot begin to understand what this must feel like for you to have lost your sweet angel baby. But your last question struck me. IS there a plan? I just want to tell you yes and you will see her again someday. I think if I were in your shoes I would be feeling and asking all the same things you are. Have hope, and if you can't right now just know that I will hold on to that hope for you while your heart is healing from this. Sending you love from across the miles.

Kennedy Klan said...

“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.” —Prophet Joseph Smith

I know you have pain and sorrow and heartache. Just know that there is a plan and you will be reunited with your beautiful little Q once again someday. Hugs to you all at this time of year

Stef Thacker said...

Hey, I'm so sorry your having to go through these mind games. I can't bear the thought of what you are going through and I wish I could make it all better for you, but the only thing I can do to help is just to let you know that Heavenly Father has an amazing plan for Q with him, and for your whole family. There isn't a day that goes by that I think of you and pray for you and Brady. I know you guys can get through these hard times! You are strong!
Ryder is an angel in disguise, he is a blessing and is blessed to have such great and wonderful parents. He is so perfect ( I got to see him on Saturday with Megs)
Hang in there and let me know what I can do for you guys!

momof8 said...

Angie, I know you don't know me but, I am aware of your family since we are in the same ward as Cody and Natalie.I have been following your blog and my heart breaks for you everytime I read one of your posts. Nothing I can say or do to make you feel better but, just wanted you to know that even strangers care about you and are praying for you. I have dealt with losses & still can't figure them out. I was widowed with 7 children when I was 33, when my husband was killed in a car accident on his way to work & still don't know why my family was split apart like that. It was 20 yrs ago. My son was killed in Afghanistan 3 yrs ago & as time goes by you do find a new normal but, you never really get over it. I have a daughter that is 25 that is severally disabled from a 20 ft fall when she was 2 yrs old. She suffered a massive brain injury. So,I said goodbye to my sweet blonde haired, blue eyed angel and became a care giver to a new little girl for the rest of her life. She functions at about 3 or 4 yrs. old and she is a lot of work but, I love her so, so much. She is here for all of us as she does not need to be here for herself. She has taught me a Christlike love that I would not have learned without her. I had 4 kids and then 2 miscarriages and was so excited for her birth and then she had her horrible accident. I would say to just try and find one bright moment in each day. It might be hard sometimes cause grief from losing a child is just gut wrenching. I know that. Somedays I still can't believe my son is gone and all the 30 yrs of memories of having him as my son just flood in and I bawl for a while. I am serious for probably the 1st six months or more I cried all the way home from work from SLC to Saratoga Springs every single day. I just never thought I would feel better. But, slowly and I mean slowly I started feeling more peace as the days and years have gone by. He had only married a few months prior to being killed & had not children. So, most of his life he had lived at home with me so, we were very close. I just want you to know nothing is wrong with what you are feeling. Everyone grieves differently. People thought I was nuts going to the cemetery in the winter to sit by his grave but, he was really there with me. My Bishop at the time told me it was okay to feel whatever I was feeling & it is true. You can feel whatever you feel Angie and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. I am a different person from the naive 33 yr old stay at home mom I was 20 yrs ago. I am less judgmental, I hug more, love more & am more compassionate than if I had never gone through my trials. Just hang in there & it is not going to be easy but, I hope you will feel more and more peace as time goes on. I hope I have not said anything offense to you since you don't know me & I don't know you but, I felt impressed to write you a note. Hugs to you Angie, Lisa Barnes

Tiffany Hebb said...

Love you Angie. Wish we could hang out....Hopefully someday. Im so sorry this is such a hard unfair trial. Seriously to lose one is bad enough. God has some master plan we wont understand until we die too..xoxox