12.25

I did it. I made it through Christmas. Everyone is asking me how my holiday was and I respond, It was good. But was it really good? My daughter died and I miss her. I cried. A lot. There is nothing good about any of that. But the more I think about it, I can honestly say that it was good. It was sad, but wonderful all the same.

It was wonderful because we were surrounded by family who share all the same tender feelings of sadness and loneliness but also happiness and confidence of a knowledge of life after death.

It was wonderful because we have been so greatly blessed and were able to give to each other and our family and enjoy watching gifts be received.

It was wonderful because we have a new son that got to experience his first Christmas surrounded by people who adore him.

It was wonderful because this year above all we were able to focus so intently on the real meaning of this season. Because a big part of our family are not on this earth with us anymore, I often think about heaven and what might be going on there. I am constantly reminding myself of the things that are truly important as it is so easy to get caught up in worldly things. I am consistently forcing myself to think of happy memories and positive thoughts so as not to be totally consumed by sadness.

It was wonderful because as others asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I thought about it, I realized there is nothing that I want more than for my family to be together forever. There is not one worldly possession that could even come close to being as important as this. My eyes have opened so drastically to the sincere love a mother has for her family.

It was wonderful because we had our very own Christmas angel, the cutest little stringy haired angel in heaven. I know without a doubt that Q has been with me so much these last few days. I was not looking forward to Christmas at all this year and was dreading it because I wasn't sure what kind of emotion I would be dealing with. But I did it, the holiday came and went and I now know the meaning of letting the Lord carry our burdens as I feel that mine have been somewhat lifted, enough that I really have been able to enjoy Christmas.

It may sound silly that I so badly wanted to enjoy Christmas and that I had to try so hard to do so, but it is still a daily struggle for me to remain happy and positive. My heart is so sad. I do not want to live a sad life. I want to enjoy the things I used to love and not let my swollen heart take all my joy. I have so many things that still bring me joy and I strive every single day to focus on those things. My doll is okay and I need to be too.

I am so thankful for my Lord and my precious angel that help carry my sadness.

Until we meet again Q.