Tis the season...

...to be jolly. Jolley: an adjective that means happy and cheerful. Synonyms: jovial, merry, cheerful, joyful. I want to be jolly.

Christmas is coming fast and although I usually look forward to the holidays, including Halloween and Thanksgiving, this year has been drastically different. Halloween has come and gone, we went to a party and gave out candy, I bawled most of the day. Thanksgiving we stuffed ourselves with turkey and potatoes, I cried all day the day after, and now comes Christmas. The tree is up, the lights are on, the shopping is done and the presents are wrapped.

I am not jolly.

Think about everything that you look forward to with the holidays. What makes them so enjoyable to you?  Halloween, now that I am a mom, is about my children. What will they wear? Who will we show them off to? What kind of candy will we give out? It's so fun to take them around knocking on doors. Thanksgiving, to me is all about family and those who you are surrounded by, focusing on your blessings. Yes, the food is wonderful, but the company is better. And Christmas. Christmas is magical. Especially when you are a parent. And although I have sweet Ryder to spoil this year, it's just not the same.

I have really struggled these last few months being jolly. Or cheerful or even happy. I know the real meaning of Christmas, the reason we celebrate. But I'll be honest, since becoming a parent the worldy part of it has become a bigger deal and it is so much fun. But this year it has been made so very clear to me what truly is important. Although nothing about "Christmas" has changed as far as music, trees, gifts, parties and festivities, it is so painfully different. I am surrouded by all of the "things" that make it Christmas, but it is just not the same without Quincy and Kathy and Val. It is so hard to get into the spirit with so many loved ones missing. I am so sad.

I have been dreading Christmas since the accident because I knew I was going to be so sorely dissapointed and lonely. I have had to force myslef to decorate and shop. I still dont choose to listen to christmas music. I usually love it,  but it makes me feel like everything is ok and normal and it isn't. Every store I go into I automatically drift to girl things. Toys. Clothes. Bracelets. Babydolls. Doggies. Oh I miss Quincy so badly. It's so heartbreaking that I cannot spoil my little girl this year. Or ever.

"Let us make Christmas real. It isn't just tinsel and ribbon,

unless we have made it so in our lives. Christmas is the spirit

of giving without a thought of getting. It is happiness because

 we see joy in people. It is forgetting self and finding time for others.

 It is discarding the meaningless and stressing the true values. It is

peace because we have found peace in the Savior's teachings."

-Thomas S. Monson

I hate so much that I have no Christmas spirit. I want to be jolly so so bad. I have tried so hard to find some happiness among all my sadness and find things that will bring me some joy. I put up my tree. Bought some gifts and wrapped them, but the things that have brought me a little hope and a little joy this season are not these things. They are the things I have done for others. "Christmas is the spirit of giving without a thought of getting. It is happiness because we see joy in people". This is what I have thrived on the last few weeks. It helps to give. It helps to see other peoples joy. It helps to not focus on me and my sadness. It really is about Christ and his life of service and caring and pure love. It is about family and memories and feelings.

Although I don't get to buy gifts for Quincy and watch her face light up Christmas morning like my mommy heart so badly longs for, I have to focus on the blessings I have. I have to remember what this season truly is about, our Savior. And that is who my beautiful baby girl is with at this very moment, she is spending this special day with the one person we are all celebrating. What a lucky girl.

Take just a minute Christmas morning as you are surrounded by your loved ones, look around and take it all in. The gifts and the magic of Christmas aren't bad things, but it's much more than that. Enjoy your families. Enjoy your children. Enjoy making memories and feeling the spirit of our Savior who loves us dearly. I am so thankful for Him and that I know that my little doll and her lovely grandparents will be spending this special day with their Savior. Makes me feel closer to Him and makes this Christmas just a little more jolly.