until now

This is hard for me to say, but I have struggled bonding with my sweet little Ryder. As soon as I had Quincy I was obsessed with her. I can’t say that about Ryder and it makes me so sad. It has been a process. No one tells you what it’s like to have children after you have lost one. And everyone is different. I have friends who are obsessed with their babies born after child loss, but I have not been. I hate it. It’s so difficult to look at your sweet innocent child and long for another.

Ryder is so different than Quincy in so many ways. My heart aches so badly for her and I have let that get in the way of bonding with Ryder. I am hurting and I am so afraid to love that intesely again. I’m so scared to let my wall down. To love unconditionally. It has bothered me so much that I haven’t been able to find that connection with my own son.

Until now. The last couple week I have become obsessed. I cannot wait to get home from work to hug and cuddle my buddy. I cannot wait to get up in the morning and hear his little squeal. I love to dress him, change him, bath him and take him everywhere, show him off. It feels so wonderful to feel these things once again. I have been waiting so long to feel this connection. The connection a mother and a child should have.

I need it. He needs it.