why

I know when bad things happen we are told not to focus on the whys and what ifs. Lately i am consumed with these two words.

What if we never went to Moab? What if I had Q in a different car seat? What if we would have come home earlier? What if Kathy would have answered her phone when we called on our way?

Why did 3 people have to die at once? Why did Quincy have to die? Why didn't God save her? Why did it take so long to get pregnant with Q just to lose her so soon? Why wasn't I warned or somehow prepared for this? Why did God shatter a perfectly happy, content family? Why do I have to live the rest of my life with such pain and grief? Why did He take my happy healthy baby girl and give me a fussy sad little boy?  Why did Quincy have to die? Why does He think I can handle this?

Is there really a plan? And if so, why is this one mine? How could God allow anyone to hurt this much?

11.11.12

Sunday the 11th was Ryder's blessing day. While such a special day for Ryder we couldn't help but think about Quincy's blessing day. Both Brady and I were pretty emotional. It was a tender day.

Brady gave a beautiful blessing warning Ryder that this earth life is hard and to never be hesitant to drop to his knees and pray to his Father in heaven for help. He also told him that he has a special little angel that he needs to let help guide him throughout this life. The blessing was perfect and I am so thankful that Brady is able to bless his children.

homesick

Lately I have been feeling extremely homesick. I am homesick for my house. I miss my kitchen. I miss my tub. I miss the smell of my home. I miss my bedroom. I miss Quincy's room. I miss Quincy. I'm homesick for my life. I miss me.

Right now we are living in Val and Kathy's house. It is a beautiful home and has a wonderful spirit, but it's not home. I feel like I am on vacation or just visiting my in laws for a while. I feel like Quincy is being tended but soon we will get to go pick her up. I feel like things will return back to normal, back to the way they were. Perfect. We left Quincy to go on a vacation and never got to see her again, except for in a dying, broken body. I still miss her like I did that weekend and feel like she is just waiting for me to come home. I still feel like we are waiting to get home and see her.

"Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks,

she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."

-Author Unknown

Many people ask how I am doing. Well, this poem says it. I am here, I smile, I cook, I clean, I will soon return to work. I am. But I am not. I am here, but my heart is not. I am trying so hard to return to life but it is so hard to do when part of me is not here. I am so lonely and homesick for something that will never again be. At least not in this lifetime. It is a crippling reality. But each day that I am, I continue to be. And each day is one day closer to eternity with my family. 

I guess in a way we are on "vacation" and Quincy is "home", waiting for us. Oh how I can't wait to go home and see my little girl.

who am i

6 months. 6 months ago today my world was shattered as we let our beautiful baby girl leave this earth. This day was followed by the most terrifying day I could ever imagine. When I think back to the 6th and 7th of May I am physically sick. My mind is consumed with memories of the horrific phone call, the heartbreaking accident scene, the hospital, the helicopter, the waiting room, the waiting room, the smells, the tubes, so many tubes, paperwork, decisions, obituaries, caskets, little white dresses, headstones...... When I think about all these things I can't even believe that those are memories. We did that. We lost three people in 24 hours. These are nightmares that became my reality. It happened to me.

"When something bad happens

you have three choices,

you can either let it define you,

let it destroy you,

or you can let it strengthen you"

-unknown

Who am I? Since I lost Q I have really struggled to find myself again. My mom used to always tell me I have a sparkle in my eyes. Lately she has been telling me I have lost that sparkle. Quincy was my sparkle. Quincy made me who I really was. She made me a mom which is what I always wanted to be. I was happy, I was content, I was her mom.

Have you ever read a really good book that you couldn't put down? You were totally consumed by the characters and the plot and even found yourself thinking about it when you weren't reading it. And when the book was done you were so disappointed that there wasn't more, you weren't ready to be done with it and maybe even still thought about it days or weeks later. That is how I feel about my life. I was so enthralled with the way things were. I was obsessed with my little girl, just found out I was having a little boy, purchased a lot to build a new house, marriage was great, I felt nothing could go better. My life was perfect.

May 6th. Everything changed. Crumbled. Shattered. My world ended. How could I possibly live through this. 3 of the most important people in my life are gone. I felt such peace about Val and Kathy being able to go together, but I missed Q so badly after being gone for the weekend, our first trip without her. I wanted to hug her and kiss her and give her the little blue jeep we searched all of Moab for. I will never get to hug or kiss her, or give her that jeep. How am I going to do this?

How does a mother lose a child
And move on day by day
How do you pick up and be strong
How do you live this way

How do you wake, how do you rise
How do you just move on
When everything you wake up for
Has been taken, now is gone

A home once filled with laughter
Has changed to sobbing cries
A face once carried happiness
Now sullen, heavy eyes

Walls and mirrors still littered
With tiny fingerprints
Toys and smells still linger
Leaving all her evidence

The emptiness inside this home
The pain inside my chest
A piece of me is missing
I don't know how I'll pass this test

I know that she is with Him
With her father up above
That she is perfect and shes happy
Shes encircled by His love

So Father since you have her
You get to hug and hold her tight
Please share her love with me today
Please stay with me through the night

Watch over and protect me
As I continue on my way
Without my perfect angel
To get me through the day

I wrote this a few days after Q died and I couldn't even figure out how to get out of bed in the morning. I literally could not get myself out of bed. I could not eat, I could not stand, I could not function! I honestly couldn't figure out how I was going to life another day let alone the rest of my life.

So here I am 6 months later still trying to figure it out. Who am I? I feel so broken. I'm in a different home with a different baby. I don't even feel like the same person. I still struggle each day to get out of bed, but I do! I am learning and starting to accept that I will never be the same person. Quincy was a huge part of who I am and until I am reunited with her, I will never be the same. I have accepted this and am learning how to be a new me. I am learning how to make a new space feel like home. I am learning how to love a child, a child that is mine but so very different from the one I so deeply long for. I am learning how to laugh and feel joy while still being encompassed with pain and sorrow. I am re learning how to be a mom, a wife, a sister, a friend. I am learning how to live with a broken heart.

I was not ready to leave the life I had for this new one, but it is not my choice. I never would have chosen this. But my choice is now how I decide to handle the changes. I will not let them destroy me. I feel so blessed to have been given those wonderful 20 months with my sweet angel. I wish more than anything I could have kept her here longer but I choose to embrace this experience and make the most of the rest of my life with her as my guide. I will not let anything stand in the way of being with her and the rest of my family for eternity. I choose to continue to find the new me and be the best me I can. I choose to be strengthened. I choose to live as if Quincy were still here, because I know she is.

month 1

Ryder-

You have made it through one month. I must apologize, your first month has not been as exciting as Quincy's was. We have kind of been home bodies, you and I. It's amazing how quickly we forget how much work a newborn is. I think as much as you are trying to figure this life out, once again so am I. And I am struggling with having you here without your sister. It's so different than I imagined it would be. I always thought I would have my little helper and be able to teach her so much about babies and new life. I am trying hard to not let that get in my way of enjoying these first few special months with you.

You are starting to grow like a weed, finally! After you came home from the hospital you were a little jaundice and lost weight. It took you a month to finally get back up to your birth weight and once you did you starting putting on the pounds quick. You now weigh in at 8 pounds 8 ounces. You are still a tiny dude, but your cheeks are starting to fill out and you are losing that scrawny newborn look.

You are not a real content baby. You like to be held and are kind of whiny.You started out pretty happy and were sleeping wonderfully at night, but after your stay at Primary Children's you have kind of gone down hill. While there I pumped and fed you bottles and once we got home you decided that nursing is too hard. You are kind of lazy and don't want to work for your food. You get upset really quickly when you are hungry. We are working on nursing, but for now you are winning and I am a pumping fool.

As I bragged so much about your sister and how well she slept I can't do the same for you. You are not horrible but you usually only sleep 3-4 hours at night where at this point she was sleeping 6-7. Sometimes you give me 5 which I love, but not very often. You do go to bed really well though. We have been putting you to bed awake like we did Q so that you learn to soothe yourself and you are doing pretty good at it.

You have had really bad acid reflux which makes you pretty fussy. We just started you on some meds to help you feel better. I feel so bad that you are in pain and hope to see a different baby as these meds start kicking in. I don't want you to be sad all the time.

You are quite the talker already. When you are awake you are rarely quiet. If you aren't fussing you are cooing and grunting and squeaking. I like the soft happy noises. Makes me feel like you are trying to tell me things. We haven't gone too many places besides running around town but I have thoroughly enjoyed having you come along with me. I love having a buddy in the car with me and in the cart at the store. Makes everything more enjoyable. We took you hunting in Wallsburg a few times. We didn't get a deer but shot a raccoon. You didn't even flinch when I shot the gun. That's great, we are getting you used to the sound early on.

Ryder, you are so different than your sister and that is ok. It is taking us some time to adjust to such a different kid but we are truly happy to have you in our family. Like Q, we feel like you are another huge blessing and feel honored to be your parents. I hope you can continue to be patient with us as we continue to grieve for your sister and learn to love you like we do her. We love you more and more every day and hope we get to spend a long happy life with you.

 

Love you lots.

too close

I feel that I kind of live on eggshells. Since Q died I always have an underlying fear of the worst. I tend to over analyze situations thinking of what could happen, especially when it comes to my child. I never really worried with Q because she was such a huge blessing I just figured she would be somewhat "protected" and honestly nothing really tragic had ever happened to me before so I had that all empowered feeling of "It won't happen to me". Well, it did and since then I don't ever feel completely relaxed. I always have a bit of fear nagging at me.

It was the morning of October 5th, Ryder's big day, his circumcision. As I said before I now tend to run over every scenario in my head of what could go wrong. I was nervous about taking Ryder to the circumcision but continuously repeated to myself that it's a routine procedure, he was going to be fine. I have a cousin that lost her little boy of 2 weeks after his circumcision and I just couldn't get that out of my head. I kept telling myself to relax, I just lost a child, nothing will happen to this one. I said a little prayer on the way in to the office to calm myself.

When I got in there the Dr. asked if I wanted to stay or if I wanted to go and they would call me when they were done. I never thought I would want to watch because no mother wants to see their child in pain, but I decided I would stay and give Ryder the sugar water. Also I was curious. I had no brothers and this is my first boy. Ryder did great during the procedure and my fears were starting to subside. Why do I always have to be such a basket case? The Dr. told me to hold him for a few minutes while the bleeding slowed and he would be back to check on us. Ryder was very calm and relaxed as the nurse came in to give him some Tylenol. That's when things got scary. He held the Tylenol in his mouth and wouldn't swallow. He looked like he didn't like it, but I soon realized he was choking. I told the nurse to go get the Dr. and as she left Ryder stopped breathing. His lips and chin quickly turned blue and his body was turning purple. I did the motherly thing and flipped him over, thrusting my palm on his back. Panic began to set in as I once again held my lifeless child. I realized that hitting him on the back was not helping and I ran down the hall to find the Dr.

The next 30 minutes were a battle. I was trying so hard not to fall apart in that small room. A room I remember having a happy, healthy Quincy in not too long before for a well child checkup. A room where I feared I was going to lose another child, my worst fears becoming a reality once again. How could this be happening? As I paced the room my mind was spinning with thoughts of funerals and headstones. My arms were aching with the feeling of a lifeless body. My throat was choking back sobs, my eyes holding in tears. I was terrified.

The Dr. was working furiously to keep Ryder breathing and soon realized that he needed more attention. He called the ambulance and sent us to Primary Children's Hospital. I had text Brady during all of this and he got there just before the ambulance. After 2 days in the hospital and multiple tests it was determined that Ryder may have just aspirated the Tylenol and is a healthy baby. What a blessing.

I couldn't help but be angry that this had happened. Doesn't God know how fragile I am right now? Why does he have to scare me so much? The thought of losing another child is crippling. I honestly don't think I could go through all the pain again. I am still going through it. As I was in that room watching my beautiful child on the table struggling to breath, fighting to live, I prayed. I prayed and prayed. I felt so incredibly helpless as I realized once again that this life is not our own. It doesn't matter what we do, when God wants us home we are done here. I tried so hard those next two days to let go of that fear and just trust. Trust that God would bless my boy to live and that everything would be healthy and normal. Every test they took I prayed. Please please let him be healthy. And he was. And he is. And I am so very thankful. 

I don't know why I have to keep having these experiences, but I hope that whatever it is that I am to learn I am learning it, because my heart can't handle much more. I know that God is aware of me and my feelings and emotions and I trust that he will watch out for me. I have to let the fear go and trust that He knows what's best and then be ok with what happens, which I am learning is not always an easy thing to do. My prayers were answered this time and I am so thankful for my precious boy.

confessions

Lately I have been overwhelmingly consumed with sadness. I feel so guilty because I have this beautiful, perfect, happy, healthy little boy in my arms and yet I am filled with pain and tears. I'm not depressed, no postpartum, just sincerely sad. I love Ryder so much and I really do feel blessed to be able to have another child, but I long so badly for Quincy I can hardly stand it. I so desperately want Ryder to be enough, to feel that indescribable joy that most mothers feel when they hold their newborn and be content and satisfied, but I don't. I always feel like someone is missing. I feel like the joy is being suffocated by sorrow. I keep thinking the day will come that I will think of Q and smile and feel a warm comfort and peace knowing what I know about where she is and the Plan of Salvation, but I don't feel that way at all. I feel pain. I feel loneliness. I feel longing. I hurt.

Along with everything else, I am afraid. I am fearful. I loved Quincy with every tiny piece of my heart. My whole life was consumed by her. I was obsessed. And to lose her, I feel like I have lost a piece of myself. I am so terrified of losing another child and the pain that goes along with it, that I am cautious to give my whole heart again and to love as sincerely. I know this is awful and I hate to even write it, but it's true. I always have the thought in the back of my mind that I may never see my child again and I hate it.

I knew lots of mixed emotions would come after I had Ryder. Having a newborn again is like reliving Quincy. She taught me everything I know about babies and being a mother. But I didn't think it would be this hard. I didn't think I would be this sad. I don't want to be so sad. I know that I will always hurt for Q, but I don't want to be consumed by it. I want to enjoy Ryder and the other children I hope to have, just as much as I enjoyed Q. I don't want to be afraid and always worry that I might never see them again. I want to love again with every little bit of my heart.

I don't know why this terrible thing has happened and why God thinks that I am strong enough to get through this, but it did and He does. So what do I do? How do I make it through every day and move forward and enjoy the rest of my life? I trust, in Him and myself. Trust that He will strengthen and guide me, calm and carry me. And then I have to let Him. And I will.