strength

Maybe it’s the time of year, maybe it’s just life, but I have been feeling an extra amount of sadness the last few months.

I miss Quincy.

Today I read this post. She nailed it.

I have heard people talk about their emotions being like a roller coaster and now I get that. I truly get it. There are times I feel like everything is so wonderful and couldn’t be better. I am so blessed. I have a beautiful home, an adorable son, a wonderful husband, a great job and amazing friends and family.  Yet there are times I feel I can no longer go on. I feel like my whole world is ruined because Q is no longer here with me. I think about the day of the accident and the chain of events that day and the day following and I cannot even believe that we survived. It’s horrifying. I can relate so well to the gut wrenching feeling that Ashley talks about in her post. One second I am fine, going about my normal tasks and than instantly I am crippled with despair. It is so real and so extremely painful.

Grief has changed me. I no longer feel like me. I look at pictures from before the accident and I look so happy. So carefree. So innocent. I so badly wish I could go back to that time. I feel like a different person now. I am a different person now. I am quick to get angry. I get jealous. I have less patience. I hurt all the time. I have lost ambition for anything more than the daily tasks I must do to get through the day. I am not confident and I am scared. I am scared to love as deeply as I loved Quincy because I am terrified of the pain of death. I hate these changes. I have always felt pretty secure and confident and I have lost that. I am truly and honestly scared.

There is so much about grief and this whole process that I have no clue about. I try so hard to be strong and take this thing by the horns and not let it overtake me, but there are days I just don’t have the strength. 

until now

This is hard for me to say, but I have struggled bonding with my sweet little Ryder. As soon as I had Quincy I was obsessed with her. I can’t say that about Ryder and it makes me so sad. It has been a process. No one tells you what it’s like to have children after you have lost one. And everyone is different. I have friends who are obsessed with their babies born after child loss, but I have not been. I hate it. It’s so difficult to look at your sweet innocent child and long for another.

Ryder is so different than Quincy in so many ways. My heart aches so badly for her and I have let that get in the way of bonding with Ryder. I am hurting and I am so afraid to love that intesely again. I’m so scared to let my wall down. To love unconditionally. It has bothered me so much that I haven’t been able to find that connection with my own son.

Until now. The last couple week I have become obsessed. I cannot wait to get home from work to hug and cuddle my buddy. I cannot wait to get up in the morning and hear his little squeal. I love to dress him, change him, bath him and take him everywhere, show him off. It feels so wonderful to feel these things once again. I have been waiting so long to feel this connection. The connection a mother and a child should have.

I need it. He needs it.

month 12

Ryder-

Life has been so busy the last couple months and has flown right by! So much has happened that has kept me busy and not blogging. Most importantly during that time you turned one!!

We had a birthday party for you at home with our family. We had pizza and cake and opened presents. You got lots of new toys and seemed to have a great time with your cousins. You liked your cake, but more than that you enjoyed the sucker that was on top. Can't believe it’s already been a year since you joined us.

It seems like once you hit the one year mark you suddenly grew up! You started walking full time the day before your birthday and now you are into ev.ry.thing. You are busy, loud and rambunctious, yet sweet. You love balls, hammers, shoes, dirt, rocks, dogs, trucks and all things boy. You bang everything on everything! Everything is a hammer to you. We are still trying to get used to the roughness of a boy.

You are silly and starting to learn that you can make people laugh. You are developing quite the personality. You are quite opinionated and know what you want. You are persistent and not very obedient, yet…we are working on this.

You love to eat, but continue to throw food on the floor. I am learning that you do this when you are not hungry. You LOVE fruit, Gold Fish, cheese, green beans, carrots, chicken, and most of all, candy! You are really good to eat most everything we feed you. Again, we are blessed with another good eater.

You are over the phase of no rocking and now let me rock you to bed at night. Thank you buddy, I love it. I need it. You continue to sleep well, usually going to be between 8:30 and 9 and waking up between 7 and 8. You wake up almost every night, usually once, crying as if you are hurt or scared. I wonder if you have bad dreams. It makes me sad. I rub your back and you go right back to sleep.

At 12 months you are 21lbs (46th%) and 30in tall (76th%). You are wearing 12 month size clothes and a size 4 shoe. You are at this point the exact same size in weight and clothing that Q was when she passed away at 20 months. Often times as I hold you, and especially when I rock you, I think about her. You will soon pass her in size and take us into uncharted territory.

Ryder, you are everything to me and your dad. You are continuously carrying us through each day. You came to us at an extremely vulnerable time, but a very necessary time. We need you buddy. I don’t dare look too far into the future or make any plans in my head of who you will be, but I am sure that you will be great, weather you live to be 4 or 87. You are already great. You keep your dad and I on our toes and more importantly you keep smiles on our face. We really hope we don’t ever have to live a day without you.



Love you lots.

month 11

Ryder- 11 months! It’s amazing how fast time goes and how much you can change in 30 days. I feel like you are growing up so much!

Ryder, you are a handful! You are crawling all over the place and are into EVERYTHING! I love this stage when you start becoming more independent, but I feel like you are so much more curious than Quincy ever was. We never locked cupboards, gated stairs or worried about tall furniture with her, but you make us nervous! You open all the cupboards and climb and pull yourself up onto everything.

You want to walk so badly and walk along everything, even the wall. You’ve taken a few steps, you’re so close! You are getting a fun little personality. You are funny and you know it. You nod your head a lot. When someone looks at you or talks to you, you give one short nod. It’s so cute! You laugh a lot which makes us happy. We need the laughter. You like to say hi and touch people as we pass by. I remember Q doing this same thing. You love dirt and rocks and sand. You love baths. You still love food, but throw it on the floor, alot. We are working on this. You love balls and trucks. You now make truck sounds as you push them along the floor. You will stop and watch a truck or motorcycle pass by when you hear them. I think you like the loud noise. Funny. You love noise. You bang anything in your hand against whatever you can. You make it hard to go to church because you are not quiet.  

You have started being a stinker when it comes to bedtime. I don’t like this change. You no longer want to be rocked and will only sit on my lap for just a few minutes. One night when I was rocking you I pointed to the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling and I sang you Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and now every night you point to the stars until I sing, once I’m done you want to get down. I miss that cuddle time. Now that you climb up on your crib you throw everything out at least 3-4 times a night before you settle down. You then yell Uh Oh and Mommy until I come into your room. Once we have decided it’s bed time we don’t get you out of your bed, but just keep laying you down. You have learned this and when we come in your room you hurry and lay down and giggle. It’s cute and makes it hard to get too mad at you. Once you go to sleep you sleep all night so I guess I can’t complain too much. 

Ryder, you are loud and wild and silly. You are so very different from your sister, but we love you just the same. You are our boy and we love watching you try and experience new things. You have molded into our lives and we have learned to love again. You are a good boy and we are so grateful you are ours. 

Love you lots.

Happy Birthday Q

My dear sweet daughter Quincy,

Today is your birthday. Your 3rd birthday. I can't believe you would be 3.

My heart is throbbing with pain and my eyes are swollen with tears as I think about you today Quincy. There are so many little ones around us turning 3 this year and I can't help but think about what it would be like if you were here for your 3rd birthday. What gifts would I have purchased and would you be anxiously unwrapping. What kind of a party would we have? Would we have a princesses or  Bubble Guppies? Or maybe a cowgirl party? What would you have wanted? I would have given you any kind of party you wanted sweetheart.

Your birth day is and will always be the most special day to me. It was one of the most wonderful days of my life. You came to this earth August 19th 2010 and changed everything. August 19th is the day I feel I was truly born. You taught me the meaning of unconditional love. You taught me about selflessness. You taught me about innocence and friendship. You showed me who I really am Quincy, a mother. Your mother.

Your short life on this earth changed mine forever Q. You came and shined so brightly, no one could ignore your glow. You were truly a light where ever you went. When you left, that light went with you. I am so heartbroken without you here. I feel dim. I am working so hard to get that light back. Your brother helped bring light back into our lives, but it will never be as bright without you darling. There are so many things about you I long for, I crave. You were truly wonderful. I hope you keep all those little things I love and miss about you so that I can enjoy them all again someday.

Quincy, I miss you. I ache so badly for you. I live every day in anticipation of seeing you again. You still consume my every thought. You are my everything. You are my sweet, precious daughter and I love you with every tiny piece of my heart.

Happy Birthday darling.


-Mommy

month 9 & 10

Ryder-

Ten months! I can't believe how time has flown! The last couple months have been hectic, so I'm combining month 9 and 10.

Just after I did your 8 month post you started sleeping through the night without waking up for a bottle between 3 and 5am. You now sleep from about 8:30-7. It is so nice to be able to get a good nights rest. We are very thankful for this! You still don’t nap real long, but that’s ok, I’ll take long nights over naps.

You had your 9 month appointment and you are right on track. You weigh 19lbs 10oz and are in the 49^th percentile for weight and you are 29in tall, in the 77^th percentile for height. You now wear 9-12 month clothes. Your head is still in the 99^th percentile, but it has started to down curve on the chart. One day you will grow into that noggin! 

You have started army crawling and are all over the place! Although you love that you can get around, you would rather walk. You always want to hold our hand and walk everywhere. You have started pulling yourself up on things and have even turned around and let go a few times. I hope you walk soon.

You still continue to eat anything we put on your tray. I haven’t found one thing that you wont eat. Some of your favorites are blueberries and cheese, just like your sister. You love to eat. Sometimes I have to cut you off because you will sit and eat as long as I keep giving you food. I’m glad you are a good eater. Hopefully you stay this way.

You are so much fun Ryder. Brady and I miss interacting with a toddler and are getting really excited as you are starting to interact more. I always pay attention to the tiniest details and am picking up on some cute little traits that I adore about you.....

You cross your feet a lot when you sit and almost always when you drink a bottle. When I hold you and rock you at night while you drink your bottle your right hand is always wondering, rubbing my arm, pulling your shirt, grabbing your binkie or hitting your bottle. It’s cute. You love your softie. You love balls and stacking cups. You love baths and dirt. You love to swing and you love the dogs. When you see them you say woof woof. You like to cover your face with your softie or a stuffed animal when you sleep.  You also rub your softie on your face when you are tired, or anything else you can grab. You are kind of feisty. When you are doing something you shouldn’t and I continuously tell you no (like eating rocks) you get so mad and squeal and throw yourself forward and throw a little fit. I think you are going to have a temper. You have chunky hands and big, chunky feet. They are almost as big as Quincy’s ever were. You bang things, you kick things, you scream, you grunt, you hit, you poke, you clap, you point. And you whistle.

You are lovable. You are cuddly. You have an adorable giggle. You look me in the eye. You have a sweet, simple smile. You are a good boy Ryder. You are my boy.

Please stay forever.

Love you lots.

making memories

I have always been on the go. I like to be busy. I almost always have something planned and am comstantly running to fit everything in. Since Brady and I have been married we have filled our time working, playing and trying to enjoy life. We love to be spontanious and do things on a whim. We aren't rich, but we agree that life is to be enjoyed and a mind full of memories is far better than a bank account full of money. We work hard so we can play hard.

When we had Quincy nothing changed. In her short 20 months with us we took her all over and enjoyed letting her experience as much as she could. We loved to watch her be a part of and learn new things. We took her camping, swimming, boating, hiking, on 4 wheeler rides, jeep rides, horse rides, we went to the zoo, movies, St George, Zions, Bryce Canyon, Idaho, Nevada, we played with puzzles, babies, chalk and magnets. We tried to soak up every experience, every minute, every second that we could.

When Quincy passed away I was so very thankful we made the most of our time with her. We had no idea our time would be so short. Way too short. Since that day we have tried to focus even more on living every day to the fullest. Every single one. We never know when our last day will be and we are so very aware of this now.

We have lost some ambition since Q left us, but have been trying so hard to continue to live on and move forward and make memories with our sweet little Ryder. Poor guy came at such a fragile time and it is so easy to get completely comsumed in the sorrow that is always looming over us. It is hard for me to admit that sometiems I have to force myself to want to do things. To want to make plans. To want to have fun. To want to make memories. Every new memory we make is another memory without Q. It breaks my heart. I want to be energetic and ambitious like I used to be, but it's just so different now.

The last few months we have been trying to make up for lost time. We have made some unforgetable memories with Ryder and as we do we are falling more and more in love with our sweet little boy. Our memories are all we have left of our precious Quincy and we treasure them more than anything. Every single moment counts.

Memories build. Memories bond. Memories are forever.

Yellowstone

Yellowstone

Yellowstone



St George

St George




Logandale, NV

 

Flaming Gorge

Flaming Gorge

Flaming Gorge

Sand Hollow

Sand Hollow

Sand Hollow

Sand Hollow

month 8

Ryder-

As I look back to your last post I feel like you have grown up so much this month! You have moved to eating solids and have mastered feeding yourself. You will sometimes let me feed you from a spoon, but you would rather do it yourself and try to hit the spoon out of my hand. We steam and cut up everything we eat and you will pretty much eat anything we put in front of you. You are such a good eater and will eat and eat and eat until I feel like you are done. It's nice to be able to feed you what we are eating.

You got another tooth this month and now have 2 cute little compers on the bottom. I think your tops are working on coming through as well since you are always biting on your fingers. I love your toothy grin!

You said your first words this month! You started saying Mama and Dada. I would love to say that you said Mama first, but I'm pretty sure it was Dada. Lots of times when I look at you and say, "Say Mama" you will say "Dada". Little stinker.

You are such a happy little dude. You are almost always pleasant and love to be involved in whatever we are doing. You are kind of a mommies boy and always have to keep me in your sight. Most the time if I'm around you want me over anyone else. It's ok with me, it makes me feel loved and I love holding you and watching you try new things. Plus I am getting big muscles carrying you around all the time!

You want to touch, bang and taste anything you can touch. You are so aware and interested in everything around you. You want to be involved in everything. There are days at daycare Carrie says that you won't nap because you don't want to miss anything. You are stubborn and fight sleep often. You will be falling asleep sitting up, fighting it.

You aren't crawling yet, but you are starting to scoot around on your belly to get to where you want to be. You are the yougest of most the kids you are around and want to be grown up so bad. You want to hold onto our fingers and walk all the time. I can't wait for you to move on your own, but know that when you do I will wish you were still stationary!

Ryder, you are such a joy. Your dad and I are thankful for every day we get to have you in our family. We have learned that each day is a blessing and treasure each one that you are a part of. You are getting so cute and personable and we look forward to seeing who you will become. I get nervous to think too far into the future, but I pray every night that you will never leave us and that we will get to see you grow. You have saved us Ryder, every single day.

Love you lots.

One Year Closer

Quincy-

My mind is flooded with memories of this day one year ago. One year Q. One year ago your daddy and I were living our worst nightmare. I can still see it all so clearly in my mind. The drive up the canyon. The phone call. The scene of the accident. The hospitals. Life flight. I remember the smells and the feelings of despair and complete desperation. The pit in my stomach that I still get when I think about these things. One year ago we were forced to make the most difficult decision, to let your spirit free of your sweet little broken body. One year ago we were sitting in that small hospital room, crying, praying, asking, pleading for comfort and knowledge that we were making the right decision, that everything would be ok and that we would be able to survive this life without you. Our hearts broke that day Q.

So much has changed since that day one year ago. Your dad and I are sad. Every day is hard Q. Every single day. It is hard to live in this world without you. We miss you so badly. But people have been good to us and we are grateful. We have felt the love and support of all of those around us who loved you, love us, and loved Val and Kathy. There are many.

We have tried so hard to do our best to deal with the sorrow of losing the three of you. There are days the pain is too great and all we can do is cry. But I feel that as time goes on we are getting stronger and stronger. We are getting used to our life with a son and an angel. Although it is comforting to be feeling some kind of normalcy, I hate that we are getting used to not having you here. It breaks my heart that I can live each day without you and that I am ok. I am grateful for the strength I have been blessed with. I never thought it would be possible to carry on without you.

Much goodness has come of this tragedy. You would be amazed how many lives you touched in your short time here. Lives are changed because of you sweetheart. Especially mine. I am a different person. Although I do not like the sadness that I carry, I feel an overall strength. I look at life so differently now. I never imagined when I dropped you off at Amy's house that day I would never see you again. I realize how precious and fragile this life is and I try my best to not take any thing or any moment for granted. I live each day one day at a time because I am so uncertain what the next will bring.

Quincy, your brother is great. You would love him so much. I wish so badly I could see you interact with him. I constantly live in a daydream of what it would be like if you were here. I play scenarios over and over in my head, imagining how you would react and think about the things you would say. I know you were so excited for the baby in mommies tummy. He is very different than you in so many ways, but now and then we get a glimpse of you. We treasure those moments.

This trial has almost overcome me many times. It's hard. I am given lots of chances to prove to myself how strong I can be. I want to be strong Quincy. I want you to look down on me and be proud that I am your mommy. I want to greet you in heaven and be proud of the way I handled this life. I am clinging to the things that I have been taught, that you live and that I will see you again and that I will even get to raise you. I live for these things. This hope is what gets me through each day. I am thankful for hope.

You are still our world Quincy. You are everything to me and daddy. Although you are not here with us, our life still revolves around you. We love you as much today as we did each day we held you in our arms. We think about you in everything we do. We never stop thinking about you. You are our sweetheart, our doll, our silly little girl.

One year closer baby girl. We are one year closer to being with you again.

Love you lots.

04/29/12

One year ago today I took this picture.

It was a Sunday, the day after our anniversary. On the 28th Brady and I went to the Supercross, like we do every year, then spent the night in SLC. My mom and dad kept Quincy overnight, it was her first time staying with them. My mom was so thrilled to be able to spend one on one time with her and spoiled her by buying her a new pink baby doll. I remember when I picked Q up my mom told me that there was something unique about her. Something special. She was so lively and smart and so advanced for her age. She said she was excited to see where she would go in life. I remember thinking about this all the way home. I had always thought Q was a special girl, but she was mine. Every mother thinks their child is the best.

I had so many dreams for her.

It wasn't 5 minutes on the road and Quincy was zonked out in her car seat. I took this picture to send to my mom. After I sent it to her I almost deleted it. Its not a great picture. Little did I know it would be one of my last, and because of that, one of my favorites. I treasure every picture I have of Q. I remember almost every minute behind every single picture.

As I think about this time last year I think about how perfect and simple my life was. I think about how content and naïve I was. I often think about what I was doing a year ago, about how different my life was and where I imagined it to be this time of year. I had no clue. Sometimes I wonder if I would have liked to have known that Q wouldn't be with us forever.

I don't think so.

As I think about this day a year ago and think about today, I am sad. I'm sad that after just a few more days I won't be able to say, last year at this time me and Quincy were doing..... But in the same breath, it will be good. Another step forward in the healing process. I miss the simpleness of my emotions. I don't like the heaviness and sorrow I now carry. It's always there. Always. I feel as though I will never be truly content again in this life. I have lots of joy, but I will never have the carefree ness that I once enjoyed. I miss that.

I miss Quincy.

month 7

Ryder,

I cannot believe that you are already 7 months old. You are starting to feel more and more like a kid and not a baby which I am excited about. But as I look back I kind of miss you being a newborn. I feel like I have rushed your infancy because I want a toddler so badly.

You have really embraced eating food. You love it. You want to eat all the time and never seem to be full. I have to cut you off when I feel like you have had enough. You have liked everything you have tried so far except bananas and sweet potatoes. I think its a texture thing. You want so badly to feed yourself but can't quite get the food from your hand into your mouth. You always end up sucking on a finger while desolving the treat in your hand. You'll get it.

Like your sister, you are quite the talker. Well, maybe talker isn't the word, you are just noisy! Q would talk in sweet little coos and la la la's and you grunt and growl and yell. Your voice is low and loud. I know I've said this before, but you are such a boy. You are so different than your sister. I love to hear your voice though. I can't wait until the growls turn into words. I long to hear the words, I love you Mommy.

You have turned into a great sleeper. You are not a night owl and have a hard time making it to 8:00 most nights. But once you go to bed you sleep until about 7 the next morning. You always wake up once between 3 and 5 for a small bottle but then you are right back out. I don't even mind getting up with you because I longed for those nighttime snuggles when Q left. You are so cuddly at night and I want to soak up every minute I can with you.

 You are such a good boy Ryder. I don't know how I have gotten so lucky to have two great babies in a row. You are a little whiney sometimes, but you rarely cry. You smile and laugh a lot, which does mine and daddies hearts good. We need the laughter. You are kind of a little charmer. Sometimes when I smile at you, you crinkle your nose and squint your eyes and give me a little smirk. Oh boy, you melt my heart.  

Love you lots.

things

I read a lot of blogs from families that have lost a child. It feels good that there are others out there that I can relate to, that know the pain that I do. It helps me. It helps me work through my grief and emotions. Sometimes I feel they are writing just to me, or even about me. There are posts that I could copy and paste word for word to my own blog.

The other day I read this post. I have felt this way many times. I was so quick to put Quincy's things away after she died. I am pretty sentimental and it hurt so badly to have all of her possessions here without her. When we came home from the hospital without Q in our arms, the first thing I saw was her stack of books next to the rocking chair in the living room, the books we read every single night. Then I saw her little rocking chair sitting by the window with her blankets and baby dolls. I can see it all so clearly. I then walked into her room to put her things away. Her room was just the way she had left it, babies tucked into beds, dishes and food on the stove of her kitchen, a crumpled plastic fire hat on the shelf, a torn pair of stretch pants waiting to be fixed on her dresser, drool and snot smeared on her sheet, even a loose hair and a dent from her head. And the smell. The smell. Every one's child has a smell and everyone thinks their child smells the best. I loved Quincy's smell.

No one tells you how to deal with losing a child. Nothing prepares you for it. There is no protocol or process to handling the pain and grief. You feel helpless and hopeless and I had no idea what to do with her things. Before Quincy was born I stalled putting her room together. I had to do fertility treatments to get pregnant with her and was never given any answers as to why it was so hard for me to get pregnant, so I wasn't real confident that I was actually having a baby until she was born. I remember Brady asking me why I didn't want to set things up for her and I told him I was scared that something would happen to her, that she wouldn't really come and I would have to pack everything away. That was too hard for me. I didn't want to set up and take down a room for a child I so longed for.

Now I was faced with packing up the room of a child I had raised for 20 months, a child that I had memories with and loved dearly, my little girl. I didn't want to put Quincy's things away, but it hurt so bad to see them every day without her. I felt bad for her that she wasn't here to play with the things she loved so much. Her room was a really hard thing for me and I fought with her door often. When it was open I would see her things and I would go in and sit on her floor and cry, so I would close the door, but when her door was closed it meant she was in her bed sleeping and my mind would tell me that she still was, so I would open the door again. It was too much for me.

The time I have spent without Q I have had a complete change of perspective about "things". When we leave this world we take nothing with us. Not one thing. I so badly wanted Quincy to take her softie and her binkie with he when she left. I wanted her to have her things that she loved so much, the things that were calming and comforting to her. Although I am extremely sentimental and now treasure many of Quincy's possessions, it's the memories that go along with those things that I'm clinging to. It's seeing her kiss and rock her baby dolls, snuggling her softie, running in those jelly shoes, drinking out of the green sippie cup. It's the smell of her clothes, the feel of her stringy hair. It's the tiniest things that I miss so so desperately.